You’ve made it. You’ve swiped right. You’ve fooled them with a crafty-angle selfie and a flattering filter. And now it’s date time. But this isn’t just any old date. This is a Tinder date. Meaning risk potential is off the scale. We’ve got together a list of some of the worst real life Tinder experiences – and provided a solution to ensure that they will never happen to you.
s**Disclaimer: Secret London cannot actually ensure that they will never happen to you. There are a lot of nutters in this world.**
1. “I got there and it was silent. Like the entire date, we didn’t speak at all.”
SL Solution: Do something where speaking isn’t necessary.
No. We didn’t mean it like that. That part comes later. We were thinking more along the lines of an activity where it would almost be rude to speak. Like the cinema. Opt for something a little less mainstream than your average Vue experience: W London Leicester Square have teamed up with Roxx to bring you an exclusive private screening of Almost Famous. With only 32 seats it’s set to be an intimate affair and if you download the Fever app you can get a ticket and popcorn for just £15. Go for a cocktail after at the W Lounge bar and you never know, you might even need to check into a room after… It’s that cult movie effect.
2. “She got so drunk that I had to put her to bed. Like actually put her into her bed. And then I went home.”
SL Solution: NIBBLES!
No one backs themselves to endure a three course meal on a first date. But a bit of sustenance is very necessary to line the stomach. Sager and Wilde on Hackney Rd get it right. Perfectly low-key and quietly sophisticated, there are no fancy-pants canapés in sight – just delicious grilled cheeses alongside even more perfect wine choices. Risk of date sickness = practically 0. Problem solved.
3. “Im waiting for my Tinder date to show up now! Edit: She never showed up.”
SL Solution: Go somewhere where it will be easy to make new friends.
Add a bit of je ne sais quoi? to your date and go and celebrate all things French at the Bastille Festival in and around Borough Market this Sunday. There’s a whole host of French-themed activities on offer so if she doesn’t show up, challenge someone to a round of boules. Or even better, chop up a watermelon using a guillotine. You just got stood up, mate. Beggars can’t be choosers.
4. “The first person I met on Tinder peed on me.”
SL Solution: Go somewhere where the toilets are so incredible they couldn’t possibly want to pee anywhere else.
A visit to the loos at Sketch’s Mayfair restaurant is kind of like stumbling across a multi-coloured spaceship in the middle of Soho. Relieving yourself in one of the mood-lit booths whilst listening to the ambient sounds of birdsong definitely counts for an experience in itself – and hopefully will be attractive enough to prevent any extra-urinary activity. If not, you should be very, very worried.
5. “He showed me a picture of his wife and kids.”
SL Solution: Get. Out. Of. There.
So basically you’ve got two options here: hurl yourself off the roof of the gorgeous Sanctum Soho Hotel in a desperate bid to escape the absolute creep you’ve ended up on a date with or “get lost” amongst the mass of beautiful people that will be gathering there this Saturday for the Roxx’ On The Roof party (and find yourself a new date). We’re leaning towards the latter. Tickets to this party cost £15 and can be purchased by downloading the Fever app. Doors open at 3pm and we’d recommend getting down there early to bag a spot in the hot tub. This could be the best date you’ve ever had. And if it’s the worst – you know where the exit is.