Remember those days, not too long ago, when the tube was one of the only places in the whole city where you could be free from you mobile phone? An underground journey to work on the Central Line gave you 26 minutes of pure, undisturbed bliss and even if you weren’t on the tube, you could just turn your phone off, and say you were. Back in early April, EE announced that users would be able to make calls on The Underground with no signal, using WIFI alone. And the world changed forever. Oh hi there, annoying mobile phone user. Thanks for making our commute to work that bit more painful.
1) The Brian Blessed
Let’s start with the most obvious of the usual suspects. The ‘HELLO?! CAN YOU HEAR ME?!!!’ Yes, we can. In fact, the whole carriage can. Likely to laugh inconceivably loudly and talk without pausing for air, The Brian Blessed is everywhere, on every tube carriage.
2) The Business Man
Suited and booted, The Business Man will bury his face in his blackberry. World War III could break out on The Underground, and Business Man would still focus on getting through all his morning’s emails. Likely to make a short call and ask someone to ‘whiz/ping’ something over in an email.
3) The Device Hoarder
Sets out a stall of devices from the very beginning of the journey. Will need a seat, so that the laptop can be positioned in lap, tablet balanced on knee, phone in hand. Invariably, The Device Hoarder won’t actually use the devices for anything useful, other than showing off their material wealth.
4) The Gamer
Always holds the mobile sideways. Sticks out elbows everywhere to assume the optimum gaming position. Like The Business Man, it would take a sledgehammer to the face to awaken The Gamer from their trance.
5) The ‘Is that me?’
On the Overground someone’s phone rings incredibly loudly. To the tune of Greensleeves, or something strangely jazzy. Everyone checks their pockets multiple times to see if it’s their own handset, already knowing that it won’t be. Eventually, many minutes later, the culprit cottons on and brings an end to the torture.
6) The Ostrich
Ostriches are known for burying their heads in the sand, or in this case, a phone. Head down and probably texting, The Ostrich follows the device as if following its own beak, bumping into people and swerving all over the place, oblivious to the chaos created.
7) The ‘Let’s all have a disco!’
Saving the very best till last, we all know the infamous headphone tube raver. Coming in many shapes, sizes and styles, this party animal will crank the music up a few decibels above deafening, so that the whole carriage can hear what they hear. In fact, there could be a whole article on the sub-sections/sub-genres of The LAHAD, but we’ve definitely got much better things to be doing.