Sometimes it’s f*cking annoying checking the TFL Travel Alerts page and seeing nothing but insincere apologies for unexplained delays. Instead, we suggest heading over to TFL’s funnier, better looking brother TLF Travel Alerts for the real truth behind the poor service. Inevitably you’ll be waiting for a train anyway so you might as well chuckle while you do it… provided you have wifi that is!
1. If Beyonce made the tube announcements:
Trains – can you handle this? Buses – can you handle this? Trams – can you handle this? We don’t think they can handle this. Delays.
— TLF Travel Alerts (@TlfTravelAlerts) May 31, 2013
2. A Londoner’s reaction to winter:
Minor delays on the Bakerloo line due to someone attempting to adjust the thermostat. Not yet. Not yet…
— TLF Travel Alerts (@TlfTravelAlerts) October 2, 2016
3. Ha! This page isn’t very realistic is it?
Severe delays on the Northern line due to two passengers spotted having a friendly conversation.
— TLF Travel Alerts (@TlfTravelAlerts) September 29, 2016
4. A punny take on a trains mortal enemy… leaves!!
You won’t be-leave what’s fallen on to the line just outside South Ealing, causing minor delays on the Piccadilly line. A sense of despair.
— TLF Travel Alerts (@TlfTravelAlerts) September 26, 2016
5. A delay for the most basic of bitches…
We bring joyous seasonal news. Our limited edition Pumpkin Spice Delays are now available on all underground lines and most bus routes.
— TLF Travel Alerts (@TlfTravelAlerts) September 20, 2016
6. We appreciate the honesty.
Sun. Rain. High winds. Low temperatures. All are meaningless. Whatever nature throws at us, we respond in the same way – delays.
— TLF Travel Alerts (@TlfTravelAlerts) September 16, 2016
7. TFL’s delicious midnight snack.
Passenger advice: if travelling on the #NightTube, please bring your own pillows and duvets. We reserve the right to feast upon your dreams.
— TLF Travel Alerts (@TlfTravelAlerts) August 19, 2016
8. You jammy bastards, Wombles…
Underground, overground for free, eh? Well. Fare dodging is a crime. Our ticket inspectors have caught your scent. This ends now, Wombles.
— TLF Travel Alerts (@TlfTravelAlerts) August 16, 2016
9. Good service? Does a never-ending FIVE minute wait seem like good service to you!?
A good service is operating on all lies.
— TLF Travel Alerts (@TlfTravelAlerts) August 5, 2016
10. Page one in a Londoner’s handbook.
No talking. No eye contact. No interaction. Envelop yourself within a shadowy cocoon of bleak, comforting misery. Enjoy your journey.
— TLF Travel Alerts (@TlfTravelAlerts) July 28, 2016
11. Getting a bit deep here…
Minor delays on the District line due to the unknowable intentions of our gods.
— TLF Travel Alerts (@TlfTravelAlerts) July 26, 2016
12. Ew.
Severe delays on the Victoria and Piccadilly lines due to excess human moisture at Finsbury Park.
— TLF Travel Alerts (@TlfTravelAlerts) July 19, 2016
13. Everything is always clearer with hindsight.
In hindsight, the Central line should never have been allowed to happen. But, we are where we are. And you are where you are – delayed.
— TLF Travel Alerts (@TlfTravelAlerts) July 13, 2016
14. Also no eye contact or manspreading…
A reminder for passengers: NO TALKING.
— TLF Travel Alerts (@TlfTravelAlerts) July 9, 2016
15. You may also want to avoid Camdon’t Town and Elephant and Severe Delays On All Lines.
Delays on the circle line because Barbican has turned into Barbican’t.
— TLF Travel Alerts (@TlfTravelAlerts) June 22, 2016
16. The saddest short poem ever.
The longest day. The shortest night. The widest train. The narrowest tunnel. The slowest crash. The loudest sigh. The deepest regret. Delays
— TLF Travel Alerts (@TlfTravelAlerts) June 20, 2016
17. Approach with caution people…
The buses are restless today. They sense something. No sudden movements, and do not make eye contact. Enjoy your journey.
— TLF Travel Alerts (@TlfTravelAlerts) May 20, 2016
18. Move over Daniel Craig!
#NextBondpic.twitter.com/5EzSyEXF3D
— TLF Travel Alerts (@TlfTravelAlerts) May 19, 2016
19. The Jackson 5 are not to blame here.
Blame it on sunshine. Blame it on moonlight. Blame it on good times. But don’t blame it on the boogie. The delays are NOT due to the boogie.
— TLF Travel Alerts (@TlfTravelAlerts) May 17, 2016
20. ‘And then I said to Becky that Michael told Sheila….’
Delays on the Metropolitan line due to person on a train telling an anecdote so boring it is physically warping space-time.
— TLF Travel Alerts (@TlfTravelAlerts) April 29, 2016
21. We assume the sacrifice includes discarded chicken boxes and the tears of a drunk?
Friday evening. We begin the sacred activation ritual. They stir. We praise their power. They are the elite. They are…the Night Buses.
— TLF Travel Alerts (@TlfTravelAlerts) March 24, 2016
Feature Image: [flickr: Marie de Gouville] [twitter: tfl travel alerts]