‘It was like something out of a movie’…said no person living in London. Ever. Except perhaps if referencing ‘Apocalypse Now’ in relation to your bank account…
1. No one goes to the cinema anymore.
2. Because all Londoners either have Netflix or download films illegally.
3. So no date would ever be like this.
4. The reality of dating now is an awkward romp after Tinder date number 3 (most likely at Nando’s or Netflix-and-Chill), an even more awkward commute of shame, followed by waiting 6 hours for a text back.
5. NOT sneaking into an out of bounds garden with Ronan Keating playing in the background.
6. No RP accent (and even better hair) could charm its way out of a serious bollocking on the street having spilt orange juice on someone.
7. And no person in their right mind would be setting foot inside the butter finger’s HOUSE!
8. Although there’s absolutely no f*cking way that a struggling bookshop owner would be able to afford that house.
9. Or any house for that matter.
10. Although this sounds rather reasonable in terms of flatmates…
Would be code for this: ‘Well, I look forward to excessively stalking you this evening. You can’t hide from me that easily’.
12. And this:
Happens literally every day. Not just when we meet mega movie stars.
13. Absolutely no one says ‘bugger’.
14. Or swears that much in general, really.
15. You never, ever see really famous people.
16. Except maybe someone from Made in Chelsea.
17. So yeh, you never, ever see really famous people.
18. Weirdos are no way near as hot as Rhys Ifans.
19. And out of sheer loneliness, Will definitely would have settled with the fruitarian.
20. But they did get one thing right…
21. If someone asked us how long we were going to stay in London. Our answer would be this too…