17 Painfully True Struggles Of Pretending To Be A Londoner

Annabel Usher Annabel Usher

17 Painfully True Struggles Of Pretending To Be A Londoner

So, you’re not a ‘real’ Londoner? You weren’t born between Zones 1-6 or maybe you just haven’t lived here long enough to become part of the furniture yet. There are certain behaviours that true Londoners just ~know~ but don’t worry, it takes everyone time to get used to the intricacies of life in London. If you’re new to the city then we’re sure you’ll recognise some of these tragic moments you face whilst trying to fit in…


1. You don’t want to seem rude but you know if you smile at the people opposite you on the tube they will think you’re a weirdo.
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2. Theatrically ‘umm-ing’ and ‘err-ing’ as if you know the answer when someone stops you and asks for directions…
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3. …when really you have no idea where they’re talking about but you’re just happy they mistook you for a real Londoner.
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4. Having to fake annoyance at missing a tube but secretly thinking ‘there’s another one in 2 minutes people?!’
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5. You find yourself mumbling quickly through the word Marylebone in fear of mispronouncing it…
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6. When you’re at the pub with your new friends you have to contain your shock/rage/upset when the barman charges you £6 for a Fosters.
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7. Or worse… having to deal with the embarrassment of your London friends judging as you stupidly try to correct the bartender ‘Oh no, no, I only ordered one Fosters so it can’t be £6!’ *ensuing face palms around you*
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8. Trying to tell yourself not to take it as a deep and personal insult as the bus driver avoids eye-contact with you and drives straight past.
9. Only taking the tube lines you know really well to pretend that you have your shit together.
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10. You think city-mapper is honestly the best thing ever invented. Like, ever.
11. You’re weirdly ashamed of not having an Oyster card but instead a bright pink ‘I’m not really a Londoner!’ ticket.
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12. Pretending that you’re not sweltering under your coat, hat and scarf along the Central Line as you haven’t quite mastered the knack for dressing for both the cold outside and the sauna of the tube.
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13. Having to act like you aren’t really interested by the Covent Garden street performers in order to maintain that ‘seen it all’ London ambivalence.
14. Forcing yourself to walk up the thousands of steps on the escalator at Tottenham Court Road because you forgot about the ‘stand on the right’ rule and don’t want to feel the wrath of angry Londoners.
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15. Especially because you remember all too vividly the embarrassment of that time you were yelled at by a scary business man after you accidentally stood on the wrong side of the escalator in front of what felt like the entire population of Bank tube station.
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16. Feeling the rage of your Uber driver after you had to cancel 4 times because you couldn’t work out where you’ve put the pin.
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17. The fact that you stick out like a sore thumb because you’re still completely in love with London’s charms.


Feature Image: [flickr: Camilo Rueda Lopez]

Tags: funny, Londoner
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