Yes, we know we should mind the gap. Yes, we know we live in an expensive city and pay extortionate rent prices. And yes, the sound of foxes having sex is as awful as people say. We’re pretty used to the sound of the hustle and bustle and the huffs and puffs of London commuters (after all, we contribute to those noises), but there are some things that we have really heard enough of already.
1. “That will be £28.50 please”
“But I only bought two drinks?” We actually know to expect this now, but it’s always fun to act shocked anyway.
2. “We’re just being held at a red signal but will hopefully be moving again shortly”
3. “Please move right down inside the car”
We would if we could but we can’t so we shan’t.
4. “Please mind the gap between the train and the platform”
Yeah, yeah, we know.
5. “A good service is operating on all London Underground lines.”
Errr, we call bullshit. This is never realllly the case, is it? A six minute wait for a Central line train is not a “good” service. (But maybe we just have high expectations).
6. The sound of sirens.
We’re pretty good at blocking out this sound, but sometimes we find ourselves accidentally tuning into the noise and it drives us totally mad.
7. The sound of the the tube screeching so f*cking loudly that you can’t even hear yourself think.
It actually hurts.
8. Three words: replacement bus service…
Kill. Us. Now.
9. “You must know all the cool places to go”
I know I give off that super trendy vibe now that I’m a Londoner, but that doesn’t mean I know all there is to know. But now I feel like I’m under huge pressure to find somewhere cool and impressive and that is stress I could really do without.
10. “How do you afford to live?”
Simply answer is, I don’t.
11. “Jesus, how much rent do you pay?”
Too much. Now kindly piss off and shut up. I know you’re only asking because you want to feel better about yourself. And yes, we know we could get a 4 bedroom house for that price up north.
12. “Do you want to go for dinner?”
Yes of course I do, but I wish you’d all stop asking because now I have to say yes and that’s another £20 I’ll be putting into my stomach.
13. “You’ll be able to direct us, right? You must know this place like the back of your hand by now”
F*ck off do I. I actually have a very close relationship with Citymapper — he’s very good to me. Not the most reliable of pals, but a good pal nonetheless.
14. “Your journey to work must be so easy”
Nothing about travelling in London is easy. Especially at rush hour.
15. The sound of foxes having sex.
Do they have no dignity?!
16. “We’re sorry for the delay in this service”
But are you really though, Barry? You don’t sound very sorry to me.
17. “We don’t do Happy Hour at weekends”
But why not? They’re the happiest of hours?
[Feature Image: @georgiehoole]