It seems nowadays you can’t breathe for the number of super beings flying about the place. Whether it’s The Chris Triumvirate (Pratt/Evans/Hemsworth, duh) or other questionable super-sentients (um was it just me or did we all collectively giggle at Ant Man?!) the days of being ‘normal’ are so over. That being said, we’ve compiled a list of the top superpowers we feel you need to develop to live ‘at peace’ with the city and become a true bat-ass. In darkest day, in blackest night…um, become as speedy quick as the bloke from Twilight??
1. Lord of the
bitches pigeons. You need to be able to eat your lunch in Trafalgar Square and not feel subject to an airborne annihilation.
2. Retractor Girl/Boy.
Fold yourself up to the size of a box because that’s the size of the rooms we’re being offered anyway. OR just store yourself in a locker at St Pancras for only £20.
3. The Speedster.
You need to be able to overtake all slow walkers/tourists/other large crowds who add a considerably hefty 10 minutes onto your average commute time. Maybe The Speedster could also have razor sharp elbows for when the man with the forehead sweat starts following us down the carriage.
4. Super Biatch.
The person who gets ahead in life is the one who can double air kiss their way to the top of the ladder. Said someone, probably. Get in the know with all the goss, even if that means talking to some truly radioactive-slime worthy people.
5. Super Bitch.
Not to be confused with Super Biatch, Super Bitch is the power that will ultimately help you the most in London. Since someone’s always trying to f-u over in London; with housing, promotions, tube queues, vintage market stalls selling cute elephant necklaces you NEED to stand up for yourself. Channel your inner Miranda Priestly sista.
6. Patience Purveyor.
Not only is it important to have patience as a Londoner but it’s also important to be able to spread this patience like low fat Flora. It’s all well and good if you’re feeling super serene every morning but guaranteed that the next person just spilt his morning coffee on his shit suit AND his Shih Tzu.
7. Bargain Hunter.
To have the kind of nose that sniffs out all the free stuff in your area is the stuff of dreams. I don’t just mean the samples being given at Spitalfields: I’m talking the leftover sandwich someone forgot about in the office fridge that has actual gammon (!!) in it.
Well because everyone wants to fly and tbh we’re so over Tube strikes right now.
Feature Image: tonygentilcore.com