Whether you’re a born and bred Cockney or a small-towner having moved to the big smoke to follow big dreams, there are certain words and phrases said that us city-dwellers JUST DON’T WANT TO HEAR ANYMORE. No you’re NOT sorry about the delay to the service. And no I CAN’T move down inside the carriage. So just stop, please. We really can’t take it much longer…?
1. I’ll just come for one…
No, you won’t. Stop lying. It’s annoying and unnecessary. You’ve never, ever just come for one. We both know you will stay until closing time, end up in Maccy’s and miss the last tube home.
2. Your rent is HOW MUCH?
P*ss off you suburban-dwelling plonker. I know exactly how much my rent is thank you very much, I don’t need to repeat it. Especially to someone that probably pays £200 a month for a small mansion in country.
3. There will be a tube strike on Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday…
4. The tube strike has been cancelled.
Owweee, and I’d JUST been given permission to ‘work from home’.
5. We should go for dinner in this new, really trendy pop-up place…
There’s ANOTHER ONE? I just want to go to Pizza Express for once. I can’t always be cool and trendy. And nowhere does a caramelised onion pizza like them, ok?
6. Sure i’ll come straight over. I’ll be there in an hour and a half.
Whyyy oh whyyy does it take so long to get everywhere. (Yes, smarty pants, we know its because it’s a big city. But that doesn’t make it any better).
7. Please do not obstruct the doors.
Get out of the f*cking doors you absolute morons and stop delaying my journey even more than it already is.
8. I’m so tired.
We all are.
9. I’m so poor.
We all are.
10. I’m so busy.
WE ALL ARE.
11. I’m going away for the weekend. You know, need to get out of the city. Have a bit of a break.
Doooooo you nowww. How verrryy nice. Lucky youuuuu. Well you’re obviously not THAT busy, tired or poor then ARE you?
12. We are being held due to a signal failure. I will update you when I have more information.
13. What are you up to this weekend?
Eeeerrrr…well…I was planning on doing absolutely nothing except sit in my pants and eat. But now I feel like I have to think up something cool. And probably do it thanks to the expectation of documenting my whole life on social media.
14. Oh, you live in London now? You must get to see so much theatre and music and go to so many cool things!
Nope. Never. I tend to spend most weekends in my pants, eating. Unless someone asks me what I’m doing…
15. The next train will arrive in 5 minutes.
Five minutes? I’m sorry….FIVE MINUTES? Who do they think we are? People who just want to stand on a full train for sh*ts and gigs with nowhere to actually get to? FIVE MINUTES? *Having these thoughts while feeling so bad, knowing that you shouldn’t be having them and should in fact just have some patience and leave the house a bit earlier to take these things into account*
Featured Image Credit: Our Escapades