Ok, so we’re renowned for being unfriendly towards one another/tourists/anyone that has the audacity to even attempt to enter into any form of communicative realm with us. But there are certain people that we really, really, really wish we didn’t have to talk to. All inherited antagonism aside. They are just downright insufferable. ARE WE RIGHT!
1. The Shoreditch barista.
Ever heard of the term, ‘too cool for school’? Yeh, well, these are the absolute personification of that. AND WE ‘AINT EVEN IN SCHOOL! Since when did coffee come with a side of bankruptcy and attitude, and making you feel like you’re dressed in a bin bag, huh? (Actually, no…dressing in a bin bag would probably be pretty cool…maybe we should try that next…anyway, you get what we mean). You’d think that being around all that caffeine, all day, every day, would give them a little bit of a buzz/personality or something. But no! Instead, they stand there with their big hair and twizzly moustaches with a Judgy McJudgeface at the fact that no, you’re not having soya milk with that extortionate flat white of yours.
2. The loquacious and highly irritating ‘mixologist’.
“Ahh yis, well ayyeeee personaleeeyyy would recommend ‘The Blenheim’ wheeech is our bist and most papular cocktaaaaail. Now, deed you knowww that it was creaaated for Sir Winston Churchill’s ninetieth baaffday – have aayeee seed how much of a larrrvely cooouple yaw taw are? – eeenywayy, ‘The Blenheim’ has a touch of…” OH SHUT UP! We don’t need to know exactly how the Yellow Chartreuse was made by the monks in 1737, ok? OR the exact angle at which you shake and strain it…no, PLEASE don’t get your protractor out. This is an All Bar One for god’s sake…
3. The supermarket’s self-service machine.
Not a Londoner, per se (or at all…but we deserve some poetic license on this one…) but after an hours commute to work, a full day of idiot colleagues, an hours commute back – in what is essentially a steam room of sweat – and a 20 minute walk to the supermarket, the last thing you want is for someone to tell you that there is an unexpected item in your bagging area. Particularly when 1. There is not. And 2. They don’t even apologise for the mistake. We’d take numbers 1 and 2 any day over a fucking machine that doesn’t even have its facts straight. UGH.
Chuggers. AKA. Charity muggers. A bit harsh perhaps – we know they’re only doing their jobs and it’s for charity and all – but firstly, they have absolutely zero concept of what a ‘minute’ consists of and secondly, when someone says ‘no’, they typically mean no. NOT ‘oh yes, but please skip alongside me down the entirety of the street asking how my day’s been and repeating over and over that it really will only take one minute.’ Yeh, sure. A minute in MAKE-BELIEVE land, are we right? Ahaha, aha, ha…good one.
5. Night bus drunkards.
6. The housemate of the person you’re dating.
It’s the one person you have to be nice to (unless you hit the jackpot and your new flooze doesn’t like them, in which case…never let that person go), but it’s also the one person you tend to encounter mostly when you’re mid-running to the toilet in a pair of boxers with make up all down your face. #awks, #totesunnecessary, #wishhelivedonhisown.
7. Anyone that works for TfL.
So your train has been delayed/cancelled/travelled to another dimension, and you just want to know how long it’s now going to be. So you ask nicely: ‘hello, do you know when the next train is/how I can get to *insert preferred destination’, and are more often than not answered with a madame, can you get behind the yellow line?’, or a curt, ‘one minute please’ while they rush off to deal with something far more important. Unless they’re going to locate the currently absent train with their own locomotive sixth-sense, please stay to provide the information we seek. Please. It’s not like we want to be asking you, ok? WE JUST WISH WE WERE ON OUR TRAIN. Thanks.
Featured Image Credit: BBC