If you’ve ever lived in a building with another human being, you’ll recognise the stress that it brings: Whose turn is it to buy toilet roll? Do we share toothpaste? Who showers at what time? And who the FUCK took the last of my milk?
1. The Spoilt Brat
Remember Veruca Salt in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory? This kid is her. There’s a very high chance that they’re an only child, and they’ll expect you to do anything and everything for them. They’ll be on the phone to Daddy most nights of the week asking for more money because “London is just soooo expensive and all my money goes on rent and the tube and, seriously Daddy, I’m just SO hard done by” when realistically they just want it for more Big Nights Out in Chelsea, Deliveroo dinners and taxi journeys (because God forbid they’d ever use the night tube).
2. The Anal One
They’ll nag you 24/7, act like your mother and will always moan that they take the bins out more than anybody else (which they probably don’t). They’ll have mastered the art of passive aggressive cleaning, and will take every opportunity they can to mention “that time they mopped the floor”. They’re likely to have the odd outburst where they become absolutely furious about the state of the kitchen sink, and will probably suggest introducing a weekly cleaning rota. Of course it will never work, but you’ll entertain the idea for a while just to shut them up… at least until one of you decides that they “never spend any time at the flat anyway so they shouldn’t have to do any of the cleaning”.
3. The Total Slob
They’re the ones who leave hair in the plug hole, hoard dirty dishes in their room for days, and have a pile of empty pizza boxes stored in a corner. You’ll let it slide for a while, with the odd huff and puff, but then the boxes start creeping into the kitchen, the shower will start flooding, and the sink becomes a breeding ground for things that absolutely should not be alive. At this point you find yourself turning into The Anal One (see above).
4. The Non-Stop Partier
We’re talking loud music, loud sex, loud putting-pizza-in-the-oven-at-4am and loud vomiting-in-the-kitchen-sink. They’re a great person to have around when you’re in the mood to join in, but not on a Tuesday night at 1am when you have work in the morning. When they’re not out partying they are talking about “that time they got chucked out of Tiger Tiger for being too much fun”. Yeah yeah, we all know what that means, mate. Go to bed.
5. The Mummy’s Boy
This guy has never had to fend for himself and he has absolutely no idea how to, especially in the big city. He’ll try to wash his clothes with washing up liquid, won’t understand the concept of use-by dates and will probably ask you how to cook scrambled eggs. He’ll have lived there for about 8 months before asking where the nearest Tesco is and, for heaven’s sake, do not let him anywhere near the microwave without supervision.
6. The Emotional One
This person has an endless stream of tears. They’ll cry over relationships, they’ll cry over relationships that never were actually relationships, they’ll cry because someone ignored them on Tinder, they’ll cry over Planet Earth, they’ll cry because Pret didn’t have their favourite sandwich today and they’ll cry because their boss told them they were good at their job. The best thing you can do in these situations is be on hand with wine and chocolate and a change of subject. Unless they’re the type of crier who likes to wallow alone in their room. In which case, leave them to it and go and be happy elsewhere.
Feature image: Flickr/Reading Tom