It’s East London, so anything could happen to you. Whether you’re at a Hackney pub, a Dalston club, or some other place that you didn’t actually realise existed until last week, chances are one of the things below will happen to you. And you’ll wake up feeling pretty bewildered.
1. You will eat Korean food, salt beef bagels or something Turkish in a pitta bread.
2. You will be served a cocktail in a tea-cup. Or a jam jar. Or maybe a lightbulb. It might even have a picture of Miley Cyrus attached to it. Don’t question anything.
3. Wherever you are there will always be something better going on. Probably in Peckham.
4. You will pay and queue for an hour to get into a car park where you will sit on a kerb and eat street food whilst trying to work out how you’ve ended up spending more money than it would have cost to go to a really nice restaurant.
5. You will never smile. They only do that in South-West London.
6. All generic topics of conversation will be totally prohibited. Fiercely deny all knowledge of central London, the BBC and your parents.
7. You will think you’re just going for a drink and will end up at a blobfish café wondering if this is meant to be ironic or if you’re actually meant to have some kind of opinion on blobfish.
8. You will only drink warm cans of beer or really flat craft ale. A vodka soda lime is social suicide.
9. Your really crap craft ale will be dispensed from a vending machine.
10. People will talk to you about the aesthetic value of graffiti – without a hint of sarcasm.
11. You’ll watch a person carrying a unicycle enter the bar. And you’ll be the only person that double-takes.
12. The queues for the Bitcoin ATM in the Old Shoreditch Station café will be longer than the ones outside Tesco Metro.
13. You will sit on a lot of pavements.
14. You’ll talk about how poor you are, how the creative industry is dead and the media too commercialised. The bartenders will agree with you.
15. The grottier the better. Red Stripe and the worst tracks from the 1980s in the basement under a fried chicken shop? Perfection.
16. You won’t see a single overweight man.
17. In fact, you’ll only see underweight men.
18. You’ll probably trip over a dog at some stage in the night.
19. Or a unicorn.
20. Or a dog that looks like a unicorn.
21. And then finally: Uber Battle. It’s deadly.