In celebration of Shakespeare’s legacy (he died 400 years ago this month) we thought we’d attempt to set his plays today. Of course, we’re not suggesting that Shakespeare would have written them like this (or at all – he’d probably have written for a blog or something dumb like that…we mean, who in their right minds would spend their time writing about ways Miranda Hart sums up London life…pffff…?). Rather, we merely wish to re-imagine Shakespeare’s plays ‘Gnomeo and Juliet’ style, but for modern-day London. (For example, if this was sea-themed instead of London…he’d be Whale-ium Sharks-peare. You get the drift?)
1. Romeo and Juliet would be set in Peckham.
2. And rather than two households, it’s two gangs.
3. And neither would be alike in dignity. Because they wouldn’t have any.
5. And all the speeches would take place at Speaker’s Corner.
6. The quote “Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind” would be the other way around (“Love looks not with the mind, but with the eyes”) as Tinder would be a prevalent muse.
7. A Midsummer Night’s Dream would be based on the time that Shakespeare, Jonson and Marlowe took magic mushrooms together in Epping Forest.
9. And would sell their “Eye of newt and toe of frog” soup at a pop-up entitled ‘Banquo’s Banquet for B-wankers’.
10. And it would take off as the new, quite literal, ‘Freakshakes‘.
12. But despite this, Hamlet would be a girl due to his indecisive nature.
14. And Rosalind would stay as Ganymede as she will have finally discovered her transgender self.
15. Resulting in a Ru Paul-style jig at the end of the play.
17. And it would have been the triumph of a ten-year battle against ‘gentrification’.
18. Prospero would have escaped to the Isle of Dogs.
19. And would have made Ariel wash all his clothes…(sorry, we couldn’t resist).
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