We love London. That’s no secret. But we’d really appreciate it if it came with some small print once in a while. Just to give us some pointers, you know? Shed some light on what the actual f*ck is going on with regards to rent/etiquette/weather. So here are claims that are so often frivolously made about London, and the terms and conditions that we feel suitably go with them. We advise reading, and of course agreeing with them before embarking upon any form of capital adventure. At least then we can say ‘we told you so’.
1. It’s expensive*
2. Rent* is higher**
**Here ‘higher’ is a synonym for ‘you won’t f*cking believe how much you have to pay to live in a sh*t hole’.
3. It’s a vibrant*place
4. Rush hour* is overcrowded** and stressful***
** Pigs on the way to the slaughter house travel in more comfortable conditions.
***This is the understatement of the century.
5. There are lots of things to do*
6. It has a buzzing* nightlife**
**Note: this consists of either your local that shuts at 11pm, or some horrendous nightclub that charges men and pervs on girls. Or somewhere good, which to get to you have to travel for the same amount of time it would take you to forward roll to Scotland.
7. It is the cultural* capital of the world**
**That is, not including Italy, Greece, Austria, India…
8. It* can be quite** cold***
**F*cking.
**Freezing.
9. Work* hard, play** hard***
**Drink. Or sleep.
***We’re talking fiendish sudoku, Grana Padano kind of hard. And yet one must still be able to function absolutely at the highest level the next day. Even on only 3 hours sleep. A late night is no excuse for walking too slow/falling asleep on someone on the tube.
10. You’re bound* to meet someone** here***
**A freak.
***On Tinder.
11. The area you live in is really ‘up and coming’*
**The terms and conditions need their own terms and conditions. By ‘pop up’ we mean van selling overly-priced food with a slight ‘twist’. For example, vegetarian steamed milk buns or lobster flavoured ice cream.
12. All Londoners tend to have a love-hate* relationship** with tourists***
**If you deem ‘relationship’ as meaning ‘one-sided culturally ingrained stereotypical judgement and antagonism’.
***Any person in possession of a map/paper travel card/average-paced walking ability.
13. Uber has revolutionised taxi service, making it easier and far more affordable*
14. Bringing bottled water* onto the underground** during summer*** is advisable****
**AKA a runner up in the World’s Hottest Sauna Competition.
***Disclaimer: just because it’s summer on the tube, it does not mean that it’s summer outside.
****Unless the dried prune look is in that season, we’d go more with ‘mandatory’.
15. There is a rivalry between drivers and cyclists*
16. You can dress however you want and no one will notice*
17. London is an incredible city*
