So, you need to get rid of someone – not in a The Godfather kind of way, just in a sort of, ‘please remove your toothbrush from my bathroom and stop texting me’ kind of way.
Maybe you were waiting until Valentine’s Day was over to dump them? Maybe you accidentally saw what they’d bought you for Valentine’s Day and then decided to wait until those new Nike trainers were safely stashed in your closet before you cut ties?
Or maybe they just keep pronouncing Holborn wrong and it’s doing your head in. Whatever the reason, you’ve come to the right place, because I have compiled a list of the very best places to sack off your significant other in the city. You’re welcome.
1. On the tube
If you want to ditch a chatterbox—someone who will undoubtedly try to get you to explain your every thought behind the breakup—then the Tube is the place for you. For a super quick exit from any relationship, we propose simply standing near the doors, dropping the dumping bomb—‘It’s over Paul, I’m breaking up with you’—and then hopping off the Bakerloo line. As the doors close behind you, they’ll be firmly trapped and whizzed off the the next station while you can swiftly escape up the escalators. Genius.
2. Wherever you had your first date
London is a lovely place, so why ruin it by making more unnecessary memories with your soon-to-be ex? Ensure you keep that list of blacklisted locations as small as possible and return to your first date spot for the separation. Satisfyingly cyclical and super efficient, this really is the ideal way to round off an unwanted relationship. Coming at you full circle…
3. The South Bank
If you’re looking for somewhere a little more significant to stage your breakup, then you have to head to the South Bank. Moody, melodramatic and very reminiscent of those early Made In Chelsea days when Spencer cheated on everyone, it has everything you need for a dramatic dumping. Say goodbye to your squeeze and then slink off, leaving them to stare into the depressingly grey depths of the Thames.
4. Their favourite restaurant
This is not the place to dump a sweet person who you simply don’t have feelings for anymore – that would be cruel. This is the place to dump someone who was rude to your family or was sick in your favourite plant. Basically, this is a dumping fit for real douchebags. Ruin their favourite restaurant with a few unsavoury helpings of home truths, served up by yours truly. Perhaps then the next time they’re about to behave like an arse, they’ll remember their favourite fried chicken joint and think twice.
5. Piccadilly Circus at rush hour
If it’s going to be an awkward one then Piccadilly Circus is the place for you. Notoriously chock-a-blocked at rush hour—and actually pretty much every other hour of the day—you can simply deliver the devastating news to your date and then, accidentally on purpose, be helplessly swept away by a wave of commuters and carried off into the crowd. Duck into the nearest Pret, order yourself an almond milk latte and simply wait for your ex to give up and go home before you brave the outside world again.
6. Dans Le Noir
For all you cowards out there, I think I’ve come up with an excellent solution to the horror of face-to-face breakups. And no, it’s not ghosting. Simply take them to dinner in the dark at Dans Le Noir. Entirely pitch black inside, you won’t have to witness the crushing disappointment come over their face when you tell them you’re ditching them. If all goes to plan, they’ll run out crying into the city streets, you can enjoy the rest of your meal in peace, and you’ll never have to see them again.
7. Beneath the ‘Let’s adore and endure each other’ graffiti in Shoreditch
If you’re looking for the most ironic and iconic place to chuck someone in the city, then I recommend you head to the infamous ‘Let’s adore and endure each other’ graffiti in Shoreditch. Say arrivederci to them under some of the city’s most well-known artwork and, if they don’t see the funny side of it, then they definitely weren’t right for you.
8. Hyde Park
Hyde Park is probably the exact place you should choose to sack someone if you’re hoping to stay friends with them afterwards. Go for a long stroll together through the cold winter air, break the news on a bench and then sit together weeping as the sun sets over the city. A sympathetic spot for a mutual moving on, Hyde Park is the home of mature goodbyes.
9. A pub that serves a cheap pint (well, for London!)
If they really won’t see it coming then you should be as merciful as possible. Take them somewhere they can drown their sorrows without breaking the bank after you’ve broken their heart. This handy map shows the cheapest pint near every Tube station, so get drinking and get dumping. A fast exit to the train home for you, too.
10. St Lukes Mews, Notting Hill
Some of you may recognise St Lukes Mews from the holy grail of holiday films, Love Actually. This is the very house in front of which Mark memorably holds up all those signs declaring his love for Juliet. But if to you, your partner is not perfect and your wasted heart won’t love them until you look like some hideous troll, then it’s probably best to say goodbye. Dump them in a truly dramatic location and then set off in search of everlasting love.