Oh coffee, you sweet nectar of the Gods. You warm, delicious alternative to hating everybody, every morning, forever. The rules of this blessed beverage used to be so simple – make it hot, make it caffeine and make it quick – but over the last few years in London, coffee has become something of a religion: a diverse yet paradoxically elite school of thought. From aeropress machines to Chemex filters, making the perfect cup of Joe is no longer a means to a (more energised) end: it’s a way of life. With that in mind, it seems only natural to ask yourself, what does your coffee really say about you?
1. Filter Coffee
You’re a get the job done kind of guy. A straight back and sides. No fuss. No frills. Pret do a good’un for 99p. None of that fancy ‘foam art’ either. Who do you think you are, blooming Picasso or something?
2. Skinny Latte
Coffee’s equivalent of the Diet Coke or the Vodka Lime Soda. Usually ordered in a furiously hurried miming act that makes it crystal clear that your high-powered schedule allows no time for such niceties as visual or verbal communication. Your Super Woman facade is only skin-deep, however, because everyone knows skimmed milk is less healthy than whole and that your order is merely symptomatic of the general disorder of your life. Skinny Bitch – we’ve got you sussed.
You don’t actually like coffee, you just like the look of it. You walk coyly down the road with your takeaway cup in hand, proud of yourself for overcoming your initial instinct to order a Hot Chocolate. On the outside, you’re all places-to-be-people-to-see; on the inside, you’re getting a really nice sugar rush. You pray no one asks for a sip.
4. Almond Milk Flat White
You definitely don’t have a dairy-intolerance, just a penchant for overspending and an obsession with Deliciously Ella. You’ll take it with a gluten-free date slice on the side, if you’re “feeling naughty” and you’ll probably Instagram it too.
5. Single Espresso (and a box of Malboro Reds).
You’ve always believed you were destined for greater things. Not content with your British ancestry, you’ve spent the last 4 years perfecting a Southern European persona. You like your coffee strong, hard and fast and try to emulate this in most areas of your life. You can’t understand why all the women you’ve ever dated detest you.
6. Double Espresso.
You’ve got a deadline in an hour.
7. Triple Espresso.
You’ve got a deadline in an hour and deep-set emotional anxieties.
You’re an idiot.
9. Nitro Coffee
You’ll tell anyone who will listen that this nitrogen-infused, cold-served blend makes for a more pleasing texture and a smoother (almost buttery!) taste. Nothing you can say will take away from the fact that it looks like you’re drinking a pint of Guinness. In other words, you look like a mug. (No pun intended).
The fact that only 3% of British coffee drinkers regularly order a Cortado says everything the world needs to know about you. You’re not simply on-trend, you are the trend. You championed Birkenstocks in 2012 and were top-knotting around Hackney back when most people were still Slipknot-ing around Camden. Milk is out and anything over 4oz is just sooo Flat White.
11. Coffee (and a muffin).
You’re a good-time kind of girl. Coffee means enjoyment – and if it comes with something sweet on the side, even better. No wonder why you’re always so happy when you bounce through the office door every morning.
12. Triple, Venti, Half Sweet, Non-Fat, Caramel Macchiato.
I’m sorry, but you’re not from London.