We’ve all been there. It’s late, you’ve had a fun night and now you step into the cab to make your way home from the club. Your friends have either fallen asleep immediately or are blurting out some garbage about the night’s events. Your friend in the front is bending the poor taxi driver’s ear about cranking up the volume on Magic. You sneak your phone out. Perhaps it’ll be a good idea to just send out a text or two…
1) The Oh sorry, I just dropped the alphabet on my phone
Letters will be in a completely incomprehensible, jumbled-up order. The recipient is left wondering whether the message was typed with some part of the face. Usually begins with ‘I’m so…’ then declines into wingding-style gobbledegook, featuring the word ‘srunk’ on more than one occasion.
2) The I Miss You
Oh, that’s sweet. A spontaneous text telling someone how much you miss them. It’s got a cute little smiley after it too. Hang on a second… 4am. Saturday night (Sunday morning, to be accurate). Drunk, then.
3) The I’ve Gone to Great Pains Not to Appear Drunk
This one takes hours to compose. Squinting with the concentration of crafting the perfect correspondence, the sender will eventually feel invincible at having masterminded the perfect cover-up. Then, they’ll notice they sent it to the wrong person. Damn.
4) The I Just Wanted to Let You Know
Just a brief message to get something off the sender’s chest. Sometimes spills over into a second or third text. The recipient usually hasn’t been contacted in a while, but the texter has been biding their time, waiting for the perfect excuse to unleash.
5) The Hey, It’s Been a While?!
A hopeful punt in the dark, this’ll be sent to anyone the sender might have considered making a move on 6 months ago. After a fruitless night in the club, the sender has now decided to send out a few feelers to find out if any former crushes might still be interested.
6) The LOL I’m So Fncked
This comedian has been making a point all night of how much fun they’re having whilst drunk. They’ve probably sent a picture of each drink consecutively, just to prove how rapidly things are escalating, and now they want approval for their night’s efforts.
7) The Are You Still Awake?
Nope, no they’re not. They were awake 6 hours ago when the conversation began. In fact, they may have even thrown out a flirtatious little bone, like ‘come over later when you’re done’. Then they fell asleep. You try sending a few WAKE UP! texts, but alas, no joy.
8) The Hey Do You Popcorn Tuesday in The Morning
A relative of number 1’s incoherent text message, this one will actually include words that are spelled correctly. They will, however, be in a completely random and meaningless order, making the recipient wonder whether the sender has played the press whatever comes up next in the predictive text suggestions game.