There are certain phrases that are stop-you-in-your-tracks-terrifying for any Londoner to hear at the best of times (we’re talking ‘…severe delays across all lines’ sort of terrifying). But at Christmas? In December? When stress (and booze) levels are high as it is, there are some phrases that can just TIP YOU OVER THE EDGE. Sorry. But did we just hear someone utter the words “there’s no mulled wine”?! ?? Nightmarish.
Like nails down a chalkboard for Londoners at Christmas…
1. ‘We’re having a Christmas party at ours… in zone 5.’
2. ‘That’s all of my Christmas shopping done and dusted. How’s yours going?’
Who’s ready for a Christmas Eve-shaped panic once again?
3. ‘We’re just going to ho-ho-hold the train at Oxford Circus for a while’.
Christmas doesn’t stop the breakdowns over the slightest delay to your commute, I’m afraid.
4. ‘Sooo, any kisses under the mistletoe for you this year?’
5. ‘I know there was a Secret Santa price limit, but…’
Umm sir. Have you seen the price of rent in London lately?
6. ‘We can’t get gifts from the big Topshop on Oxford Street anymore.’
Gone but not forgotten, sweet prince.
7. ‘Can’t wait to spend my massive Christmas bonus.’
Looking forward to congratulating myself on making rent in London again, to be honest.
8. ‘The theme for this year’s office Christmas party is Love Island Winter Wonderland.‘
9. ‘And there will be karaoke.’
No one needs to hear my rendition of ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing’, do they?
10. ‘No New Year’s Eve plans?’
11. ‘Now you do! I’ll send you the link!’ *internally screams in bank balance*
Those ticket prices are no joke here in London on New Year’s Eve.
12. ‘There’s currently an hour wait for the bar for mulled wine.’
That was my only hope.
13. ‘It’s going to be a white Christmas.’
When was the last time London enjoyed a White Christmas on December 25?
14. ‘It’s not going to be a white Christmas.’
Confusion all around.
15. ‘I’ve signed us both up for the Hyde Park Christmas Day swim!’
Selling one former friend if anyone is interested.
16. ‘What did you get me for Christmas?’
How do I tell them I didn’t them anything?
17. ‘I didn’t eat all of my chocolate advent calendar in one sitting.’
How does one eat just one each day?
18. ‘I haven’t showered since last year’
What a knee-slappingly good joke, I’ve never heard that one before.
19. ‘I don’t like spending Christmas in London’.
*sighs in just heard an awful opinion*
20. ‘Happy Christmas’
This does not compute, it’s Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays or nothing.
21. ‘I’ve prepared a dance routine for us to perform at the Christmas party.’
Okay, now we’re annoyed again. That didn’t take long. But we love you Christmas, honest! Especially Christmas in London aka the best city in the world.