So you got drunk on Christmas Day, did you? Err, so did we. So did, *checks notes*, pretty much everyone. And we don’t know about you, but Boxing Day often just means lying around in a onesie recovering. But hey, at least we have the turkey feast from the day before, right?
1. The First Awakening
It’s about 4 in the morning and you’ve only woken up because your bladder was painfully full of that last bit of Baileys you simply had to finish. As you shuffle to the loo you remember hazy visions of singing Last Christmas with Grandpa Terry and sitting on the cat.
2. The Second Awakening
Now you arise fully; head pounding like a dancefloor, mouth begging for a just a sip of water. You cannot open your eyes because they are glued together with glitter, which you inexplicably dusted yourself with after declaring to your family you were ‘the real gift to the world’.
3. The Chocolate Purge
Usually your first meal of the day, since actually cooking seems far too difficult right now. You have to make do with the Toffee Pennys of each box because you ate all the good stuff yesterday and when you find an abandoned advent calendar, you tear into it with all the grace of half-starved lioness.
4. The Moment
You’ll all have at least one ‘Moment’ during the day, relating to how honest you were with you friends/family. This will range from sheer terror at the thought of what you said about Uncle Dave’s new partner at the dinner table last night, to sheer embarrassment as you remember you confessed you only wash your jeans once a month (THEY LOSE THEIR SHAPE).
5. The TV slump.
Boxing day telly is usually crap for a reason and that reason is because you are totally not going to pay one ounce of attention to what’s actually happening on screen. EastEnders could light a real life child on fire and do a naked conga line of the Mitchell family and you’d not so much as blink. You remain on your sofa for 3-4 hours, occasionally burping and eating more chocolate.
6. The Re-emergence
You thought your hangover was dwindling, but oh hello raging headache is knocking once more. Someone asks you how you are and the noise that comes out of your mouth was supposed to be words but was more amphibian-esque.
7. The Test.
You casually look at your iPhone, hoping to see a flurry of likes on your Christmassy Instagram, but all you have is a text from your best mate:
8. The Decision.
Your hands are shaking from post-alcoholic-binge but already an idea is brewing. This moment will decide if you make or break the new year, you tell yourself. It’ll set the bar for the year to come. Never mind that you smell of orange peel because you’ve consumed 50 tangerines, nothing quite beats the pub on Boxing Day.
9. The Aftermath.
You’ve made it to the pub and just had that realisation; the one that comes around like clockwork each Boxing Day…