Young city dwellers are a pretty tough group to tie down, which means dating in London can be downright exhausting. Especially when everybody seems to be “focussing on their careers” or their “personal development”. It’s a brutal game, and it certainly isn’t easy. You will get hurt, but you’ll also hurt a few people too. Dating is full of hypocrisy, rejection and confusion, but it can also be quite fun (and also pretty damn hilarious). So if you’re single and living in London, you’re going to want to brace yourselves…
1. If a person doesn’t seem that interested, it’s very hard to tell whether it’s because they genuinely don’t give a shit, or whether they’re just trying not to look too keen.
2. People don’t speak on the phone anymore, at least not at the beginning of a relationship.
So if you see a missed call, assume it was a mistake.
3. Remember that a relationship can only go one of two ways: you’ll either break up or be together forever.
Both are pretty scary, so just be prepared.
4. Dating in the modern world is really creepy business.
Thanks to dating apps, we can now see exactly how far away we are from that weird guy who asked us over for Netflix and chill. It will get to the point where you’re walking down Oxford Street in a frenzy, worried that everyone might recognise you from one app or another…
5. The person who cares the most is always first in the firing line to get hurt.
But such is life, and it’ll probably happen to you at some point.
6. We’ll find ourselves mirroring the texting patterns of the person we’re talking to.
If they reply instantly, we reply instantly. If they take 4 hours, we take 4 hours. If they take 3 days, we take 3 days. And if they texted first last time, it is absolutely your turn. It’s a childish game.
7. You may have swiped right because you were impressed by his 5-star Uber rating, but just make sure that’s not the most interesting thing about them.
8. You can tell a lot about a person by their use of emojis.
If someone starts sending the aubergine too often, abort mission.
9. London is expensive and it makes the “I’ll pay”, “No I’ll pay” discussion all the more awkward.
10. Just know that anything you say to another person has probably been screenshotted and sent in a group chat.
11. The same goes for your Facebook and Instagram pictures.
Yes, even the baby pictures your mum posted on your wall on your birthday.
12. Dating apps are just about the only way to meet a person these days.
The chances of you being stopped on the tube and asked on a date are very slim.
13. Don’t swipe too quickly, you might just miss the love of your life.
Although you probably won’t and you’ll never actually know if you did…
14. Don’t act too interested, they’ll think you’re needy and it’ll freak them out.
15. Never mistake a relationship for anything more than casual. It probably isn’t.
Even if they take you to Clos Maggiore and buy you flowers.
16. If a person says they’re “just so busy with work at the moment”, it means they’re not interested.
17. If they live at home with their parents and always talk about how they “really hate the long commute”, you’ll probably have a new roomie by the end of the week.
18. If a person likes you, they’ll want to spend time with you.
If there’s one simple thing about dating, that is it.
19. People are cowardly.
If they’re not interested, don’t expect them to let you know. They’ll just fizzle out the conversation until it slowly dies.
20. People lie, but so do you.
21. People are never direct about their emotions.
22. If you’ve dated a few Londoners in your time, you’ve probably got a hefty list of ‘Places to Avoid Like The Plague’.
London isn’t that big after all.
23. Okay, so it is pretty big and the chances are very slim…
…but you never know, it could happen and you’re going to keep your head down anyway.
24. And finally, be sure to take this advice with a pinch of salt.
We’re sure there are some decent people out there. Maybe…
Feature Image: (Original) Mike Knell/Flickr