23 Questions Every Londoner Has Asked Themselves At Least Once

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When we’re alone in the big city, our minds tend to wander.

We can all relate to travelling on the tube in the silence of the morning commute, left only to our own thoughts and Spotify’s Morning Motivation playlist. Sometimes we think about the solar system and how the world began, and other times we find ourselves pondering the smaller, more pressing things (like pigeons and recycling…)

 

1. How much money would I need to earn to actually buy a house?

2. Or even just a round of drinks at the weekend?

3. Why do you never see baby pigeons?

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4. It would be rude not to get two drinks at happy hour, right?

5. Does anyone ever actually use the Waterloo and City line?

6. Will ‘Cockfosters’ ever not be funny?

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7. Why are there buttons to open the doors on the tube when they open automatically?

8. Why do I live here when I could be up north paying £300 a month on rent and £2 for a pint?

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9. What is it about ‘please stand on the right’ that people don’t understand?

10. Maybe Bank is more than just a pain in the arse?

11. Why would anyone wear high heels to work? 

12. Am I saying ‘Holborn’ right?

13. Can I justify paying £20 to get into Cargo?

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14. How do you pronounce Marylebone?

15. Do all university graduates move to Clapham?

16. Am I an alcoholic?

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17. If I go out in Shoreditch does that make me a hipster?

18. Does anyone in London actually recycle?

19. Does my Uber driver really care about the fact that my ex-boyfriend’s brother’s girlfriend’s mum bought a new kettle?

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20. Can I survive on just beans on toast until payday?

21. Are people judging me for Instagramming my food?

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22. How long do you have to live in London to be considered a Londoner?

23. Will I ever leave?

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Feature image: Every Station in London

5 comments

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  2. 1. A lot…
    2. Depends how many friends you have
    3. Because they nest in trees, you ignoramus
    4. Are you driving? In which case, it would be rude to end a life because you can’t balance your insatiable thirst for more alcohol
    5. Yes. Every City worker who lives in SW / SE London (that’s over 70% of them)
    6. Depends on the mental age of the protagonist. In your case, possibly never
    7. Because the buttons used to work independently like trains but now the network requires all doors at every station. Press the buttons all you like. Just make sure your handler knows why you’re doing it.
    8. Because that would be fucking shit.
    9. It’s a bit like non-functioning Tube door buttons. Confuses idiots, and the rest of us hate you.
    10. Poorly phrased and still unfunny. Are you clumsily referring to the distance you might have to walk underground to make the transition from Monument to Bank? Actually, I still have no idea what you are blathering about. Just plan your journey better.
    11. Griffin.
    12. Probably not.
    13. If you can’t, move out of London.
    14. Shall we save everyone some time? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-zTCwMtTsM8
    15. No.
    16. ??? Why is this focussed on London? Yes, all alcoholics live in London. Idiot.
    17. No, it makes you a cunt.
    18. Yes, we do. We recycle Northern idiots.
    19. You needed a word count for your article in order to get your invoice in, didn’t you? What a ridiculously vacuous question.
    20. Yes. Go back to your parents’ house.
    21. Probably not. Is there an Instagram feed for Nandos?
    22. You need to be born here.
    23. I hope so….

  3. Good use of the word cunt there Ruffian. I mean, so few literate people use it, hiding instead behind real humour, or, worse, articulate reasoning. Well done.

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