As if dating isn’t hard enough already…they only had to go and throw in a city where half of the population have already found that special someone to face the trials and tribulations of public transport, shit weather and extortionate rent with, while the other half are still too moronic to understand that opening on Tinder with ‘I want to paint you green and spank you like a disobedient avocado’ (true story) is not really what most of us are looking for. Unless impersonating healthy Central American foods is your thing…in which case…moving swiftly on. Dating in London is complicated. And here’s why.
1. London is NOT that big.
2. You’ll bump into exes on nights out.
3. You’ll bump into exes on dates.
4. And you’ll bump into exes on the way home from work. They’ll barely acknowledge you, but you’ll think about nothing else for weeks*.
5. London is busy. Always busy.
6. Meaning that if you’ve managed to get in somewhere cool, when you go to the toilet the inevitable long queue will spark panic that your date will think you’ve gone for a poo.
7. That’s if you even managed to find them in the first place as there will be several other people at the tube exit desperately looking at Tinder pictures on their phone.
8. You’ll wonder how many dates you have to go on before it’s acceptable to use your TasteCard.
9. Because London is expensive. And dating in London is expensive-r. Which is so expensive that it’s not even a word.
10. Meaning that you’ll discover they actually live with their parents in Essex. And will have moved in with you by date 3.
11. Pre-stalking will take over your life.
12. Because statistically (*ahem* factually…so we’ve heard) there are significantly more psychopathic nut-job losers in London.
13. Resulting in the awkward question of ‘how do you know that?’ and you having to think swiftly and imaginatively as to why you were able to remind him that his lads trip to Shag-aluf was in fact 2007, not 2008.
14. On the first date.
15. Many suitors will claim they’re open minded.
16. Until you tell them you don’t like pizza.
17. Kissing on the tube is just the worst. Except when it’s you. Making you feel disappointed in yourself. Again. And again. And again…
18. The night bus journey home will destroy any first sexual encounter tension/excitement/interest.
19. The question of whether you should or shouldn’t face your date on the escalators is futile. Because it’s fucking awkward either way.
20. When you don’t have a date you feel that you deserve an award for living in a city with so many people and still managing to be alone. But when you do, you feel you deserve condolences for being made to leave the house.
21. Because of people like Mark.