You Need Help! 12 Signs You’ve Lived In London Too Long

Lucie Turner Lucie Turner

You Need Help! 12 Signs You’ve Lived In London Too Long

What has happened when you no longer look at a Cereal Cafe with the same disgust and confusion as Steve, your uni pal from Leeds (“Mate, who pays 5 quid for some cheerios?”). The answer, kind person, is London. London has happened to you. But the thing is, now you’re here, you can’t imagine leaving. In fact you get gripped by this cold, shaky fear not dissimilar to the after-effects of a Scotch Bonnet chilli pepper whenever you do. So here at Secret London we’ve compiled a list (we like doing that). If any of these strike a chord, feel free to open up to us – maybe we can set up a support group or something.


1. Your idea of a weekend away doesn’t involve anything outside of zone 4.
Does this count as a park?

And the parks become your “countryside”.


2. You take for granted the amount of good looking people constantly around you.

We’re allowed to say this, right? There are an unfeasibly large amount of hot people who live here.


3. You forget that people travel from all over the world to visit London’s incredible cultural offerings.

“I’ll go next weekend.” (But you won’t.)


4. I don’t really want to address the drinking. But this is a formal acknowledgment that we may do it a bit “too much”.

It’s not that weird to prioritise your drinking cycle over your sleep cycle is it? Or in this case…combine?


5. Being poor is a constant state of mind.

You don’t know what it feels like to not have a minus sign in your life.


6.You know the tube map better than the back of your hand.
Yup, easy peasy.

But any other map? Of any other place? What even is Milton Keynes anyway?


7. Everyone says they’re a really “shit Londoner”. You don’t really know what that means but say it also.
B-man in his youth.

Should I be making a daily pilgrimage to Big Ben? Giving thanks to Boris every Friday?


8. You might actually forget how to drive for a bit.

drvAnd end up reversing over your mum’s prized geraniums when you go home.


9. Your reliance on apps has become something of an issue.


Getting from A to B now requires checking your phone every 6 minutes for optimum travel time. And going out for dinner has become a whole different kettle of fish (rated 4 stars on Yelp.)


10. You take for granted the fact that you know people from all over the world.

Doesn’t everyone know a Samoan Samuel?


11. You may have purchased this t-shirt ironically.

But now realise there’s nothing ironic about it.


12. You actually think nothing of paying £5 for a bowl of cereal.

“Yeah well you know what Steve, they have flavoured milk AND Happy Hippos!”

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