When the sun sets and the lights go down in London, the city sweats with the night creatures crawling out from their daytime hiding places. Amongst these creatures you’ll find certain herds beginning to form and familiar faces beginning to appear again and again. Don’t panic, you’re not in Groundhog Day, but rather a victim to these types of Londoners who seem to come out every. single. night.
1. The Baller
You can most likely identify this guy still in his suit from work with collar and tie as loose as his wallet. He’ll talk about ‘Jeremy from accounting’ as a he asks ‘what you having sweetheart?’ to a room full of people and quickly lays on a round of shots for anyone within a 10 mile radius of him. His watering hole is usually central London hot spots however he may be partial to a strip club or two. He’s smooth, rich and confident yet somehow misses the beat on charming and skips straight to slimy. He’s not all bad obviously, especially when he’s passing you a bottle of £100 Champers.
2. The Essex Gal
This girl is probably from somewhere like Woodford, desperately clinging to her status as a ‘Londoner’ with claims of ‘IT’S ON THE TUBE LINE IT’S LONDON!’ You can’t miss this girl for luck of trying, with hair to the ceiling and wearing enough make up for a Clinique campaign she’ll fill the room like a gorgeous, glorious personification of ‘you allllright?’ A good gal to have around if you’re up for a mad one, you’ll be pounding shots with the Essex lass well into the unsociable hours of the morning.
3. The Peter Pan
This fine gentleman, or lady, is a solitary creature. He is the eldest person in the club and for him the party never stopped. He refuses to hang up his dancing shoes and is out 5 nights a week single-handedly bringing back the moves from the 70s, 80s and 90s in a way that suggests its simply flesh memory for him now. Peter Pan moves alone however seemingly desperate to attach himself to a group of young, attractive, lively party-people – perhaps as an attempt to relight the flame of his dying youth or maybe, like Peter himself, he genuinely believes that he never grows up.
4. The Drugs Guy
Now The Drugs Guy varies slightly from the ‘druggie,’ you know that zombie like creature mindlessly two-stepping in the corner of the room clutching onto his £4 bottle of water? – that guy is the ‘druggie.’ The Drugs Guy however is that loud mouthed person moving round the club telling anyone who will listen just how many drugs he does and just how cool that makes him!!! Punishing people will tales of ‘getting so fucked up’ and using terms you’re sure he’s made up like ‘dragon blood’ and ‘summerset magic dust’ this kid smells more of desperation and need for approval than the walls of the cheap club he belongs to.
5. The Poser
This character is usually from outside of London and has gathered her squad for a big night out in the city, yasss queen! This girl is all about appearance. Glammed up in her favourite cocktail dress and heels her night plays out in three neat sections. 1) Photos before the club. 2) Photos in a booth at the club, preferably with fancy looking cocktails in sight. 3) The social media updates with instagrams inundated with photos, gifs and videos from her bottle popping, dancing filled* night out. *(No bottle popping nor dancing actually took place).
6. The Daddy’s Boy
This posh young chap usually comes from somewhere like Harpenden or St Albans but treats London as his playground as distance, nor money, will not stop his fun. Despite his private schooled upbringing and extremely comfortable lifestyle the Daddy’s Boy chooses to reject his well watered roots and rebel against whatever middle-class repressions he has felt under. He’ll talk about how ‘street’ he is and keep his hoodie on even once asked to remove it – naughty! He’ll try and demonstrate how ‘cool’ he really is by downing too many drinks and sadly ends up spewing up in the bin on the First Capital Connect train service back to Hertfordshire.
7. The Cryer
Usually found lurking in the bathrooms, but don’t be drawn in by your sense of sympathy. The second you ask a quiet ‘Are you okay?’, you’re stuck with this weeping leach for hours, as they tell you about their sister’s best friend’s boyfriend called you a bitch and all the reasons why that isn’t okay. It’s clear to see she’s had one too many but that wont stop her standing at the bar ordering more shots as the fluids from her nose stream never ending onto the surface of the bar. If you chose to adopt her for the night just make sure you have plenty of tissues.
8. The Wannabe Baller
A similar breed to The Baller however this guy is lacking on one crucial element – money. He’ll find six of his mates to chip in on a bottle of Grey Goose and be sure to take turns snapping pictures holding it like they’re promoting for the company. He’ll offer to buy you a drink and then add ‘Jagerbombs 4 for £20 alright with you?’ and then still manage to magically disappear by the time comes to pay the bill. Craving a piece of the high life this sweet-hearted soul is simply trying to ride his flip up scooter through the Ferrari covered fast lane.
9. The Northerner
This Lass or Lad has travelled a long way for a night out in the nations capital. Any excitement of the night however is soon lost behind exclamations of ‘F*CKING FIVER FOR A PINT YOU’RE ‘AVIN A LAFF!!’ Refusing, (quite rightly), to drop £12 on a cocktail at ‘Happy Hour’ any conversation with the Northerner quickly reverts back to outrage at the extortionate London prices and ‘why would anyone want to live down south anyway?!’ Ey up Duck!
10. The Underage Guy
Varying between 15-17 these ambitious young rule breakers require fake IDs ready to enter the Garden of Eden of the adult world – the clubbing scene. With high hopes of chatting up older clubbers and drinking till their throw up on their parents furniture, sadly it’s unlikely you’ll ever actually ‘meet’ the Underage Guy. Instead, once their failed attempted at pleading with the bouncers to let them in, the muffled base of the music teasing them of whats to come, the Underage Age crew will eventually give up and spend their night in a local park grumpily sipping Red Stripe and blaming their brace face mate for giving them away.
Feature Image: [wifflegif]