London is a great place. In fact, it’s probably the best place in the world. But unfortunately with all good things in life comes a generous scattering of really awful people. Watch out for these ones when you’re out and about. They will DESTROY YOU.
1. People who #justwokeuplikethis.
To be avoided at all costs. Whatever comes out their mouth or their Instagram will make you feel instantaneously bad about yourself. Their skin glows, probably because they rub coconut oil or some other plant-based secretion into it daily, and they tell you to “have a beautiful day” even when it’s raining. They’re vegan (obviously). You’re pretty sure you’ve seen them wearing leather shoes before.
2. People that move to Berlin because they are ‘over’ London.
They all come crawling back. And when they do it will probably be with haemorrhoids and a slightly dark reliance on amphetamines. They’ll have a small record label and an unfathomable passion for “deep and melodic” house and techno and they will keep telling you that Berlin is the only place to be. You’ll resist asking them why they came home then.
3. People that have recently joined a grad scheme at Goldman Sachs.
Like your standard banker, but even worse because the commercial world hasn’t sucked the life out of them yet and they’re all jumped up and excited. You’ll mainly see them ‘getting loose’ on Friday nights, cashing in on their 5-figure-(beginning-with-four)-salaries and pounding their chests in a not-so-ironic imitation of the Wolf of Wall Street. They just discovered Brixton. Watch out.
4. Wannabe members of the 27 Club.
(But they’re probably in their thirties anyway). They model themselves on Pete Doherty, wear really really crap hats and talk like Nineteenth Century chimney sweeps. They embody that baffling paradox that is “heroin chic”. Every time you look at them you wonder what they wear on Christmas Day.
5. Developers who think it’s a really good idea to convert thriving and eccentric nightclubs into blocks of flats.
We don’t condone cyber-bullying. But these people should be TROLLED.