Furry bits? Lights? Questionable designs? Yep, these tacky Christmas jumpers have got them all…
Although Christmas is usually a sedate time of year, there’s one aspect of it which gets us all a little competitive. Nope, we’re not talking about that wine-fuelled Boxing Day Monopoly showdown. The unspoken battle of the tacky Christmas jumpers is fought on many fronts: in the office, at the pub, in the home – so choose your weapon carefully.
(Of course, if none of them take your fancy, you could always make your own Christmas jumper at this wonderful workshop.)
1. For those who want to show their London love.
Geographical inaccuracies aside, this is a spectacularly tacky way to spread Christmas cheer across the city. The snow may be a little optimistic, though.
£16, available here.
2. For those who love dogs as much as they love puns.
Regular readers of Secret London will know that our esteemed deputy editor Georgie absolutely bloody loves dogs. Like a lot. Seriously. So it probably won’t surprise you to learn that she actually has this jumper already – and honestly, we don’t blame her: it’s glorious!
£19.90, available here.
3. For those who still believe it’s coming home.
Yes, you are looking at a Gareth Southgate-themed Christmas jumper. And yes, we want it just as much as you do. Heroing the gaffer’s iconic waistcoat, this number is emblazoned with three lions on the back, and the immortal words ‘Christmas Is Coming Home’. Outstanding.
£35.99, available here.
4. For those who like their jumper the way they like their Christmas trees.
As in, offensively decorated. Featuring fluffy baubles, tufts of tinsel, and even Christmas lights, this jumper is nothing short of spectacular. And I must have it.
£27.99, available here.
5. For those who love a Christmas tipple.
That’s all of us, isn’t it? I’d also totally buy those bottles as a Christmas decoration if they were available – whilst keeping my fingers crossed that there’s gin inside, obviously.
£32, available here.
6. For those hoping to capture the true meaning of Christmas.
Some say that Christmas has become too commericalised, and strayed a long way from its Christian roots. You probably won’t want to show them this jumper, which celebrates Jesus in the most tacky way imaginable.
$47.99, available here.
7. For those who want to salute a national treasure.
The word legend is massively overused, but there are few people to whom it is better applied than Sir David Attenborough. The pun is enough to sell it to us, but the picture of Earth on the back, marked with the words ‘Stay Cool’, is just the cherry on top.
£35.99, available here.
8. For those hoping just to make it Theroux Christmas.
We can do nothing but salute this pun wizardry, a fitting tribute to the nation’s most unlikely sex symbol.
£21.99, available here.
9. For those who want to be extra cuddly this Christmas.
Having firmly left the realm of ‘actually wearable’ behind, we find this… thing. I get the whole 3D look, but this looks like a festive version of the chest-bursting scene from Alien in my mind.
$67.95, available here.
10. For the couple who just can’t be apart this Christmas.
Co-dependence has never been easier with this jumper! You and your boo will be toasty this winter, as long as you don’t end up squabbling over who gets to be Santa…
£25, available here.