Proving once again that Twitter is not a place for serious answers…
You’d have thought the New York Times would have learned their lesson by now, wouldn’t you? Barely four months after an infamous food column which insinuated that Londoners ate “porridge and boiled mutton”, they’re back on a mission to prove they know very little about our city. It started with a simple question:
Now, there are two ways to take this. You can either read it as valid concern over an uptick in crime, partially based on the author’s own experience with petty burglary. Or, you can take it as a dig at London, and throw shade in response. Knowing how gladly the average Londoner suffers fools, how do you think Twitter responded?
I once got in a black cab in central London and, whilst going through Piccadilly Circus, we got trapped in heavy traffic — and the driver clean forgot to remark: “Cor, it’s like Piccadilly Circus around here!” Naturally, I was sickened.
— E O Higgins (@eohiggins) December 13, 2018
Grievous social faux pas were recounted.
I took Champagne to a dinner party.
The hosts put it away in their special cupboard.
And served Prosecco.
Of course, I said it was “fine”.
It was 2001 and I am still seething.
— Naomi Rovnick 歐蜜 (@naomi_rovnick) December 13, 2018
Just recently a street urchin forgot to doff his cap. I reported him to the local constabulary who will no doubt ensures he hangs.
— GhostofTomPaine (@champagne_lefty) December 13, 2018
It’s enough to make one furious.
Yes, FFS, every single time a cocktail bar serves a gin and tonic in a copa de balon instead of a collins glass
— Cody Keenan (@codykeenan) December 13, 2018
Horror stories from the Tube made an appearance, too.
Someone once asked me what book I was reading on the tube and I was so appalled I had to get off 3 stops early to escape the harassment
— Georgina Adlam (@GeorginaAdlam) December 13, 2018
Someone smiled at me on the tube yesterday. I explained this was illegal.
— Joe Allen (@jsjallen) December 13, 2018
Goodness, however did you survive?
I had a minor altercation with a hooded youth where we both gesticulated for the other to walk through the open door first. We were standing there doing this for a good 5 minutes until finally he surrendered.
— Yaël Levey (@yaellevey) December 13, 2018
This is the worst one yet, TBH.
I went to Notting Hill, knocked on a door, and neither Hugh Grant nor Rhys Ifans answered, which contravenes The Misrepresentation Act 1967.
— Dave Phillips (@lovefutebol) December 13, 2018
The only appropriate response to such roguishness.
I visited London and saw a sign that said “please keep off the grass”, there was a man standing on the grass.
I will never return to that city again.
— ? ??????? ????????? ? (@____siobhan) December 13, 2018
Bloody place has gone to the dogs, hasn’t it?
I was due to play tennis at 11 o’clock this morning but the court I had booked was not vacated until 11.02. I truly despair of this country.
— Constance CraigSmith (@Concraigsmith) December 13, 2018
At least some people took justice into their own hands:
I once heard some terrible mountebank pronounce aluminium “aloomi-num”, in public and without as much as a by-your-leave! I boxed him on the ears and sent him on his way.
— Big Harry Carter (@BigHCarter) December 13, 2018
Any reasonable person would demand jail time for this heinous act.
While visiting an acquaintance who lives in Shepherd’s Bush, she offered to make me a cup of tea. I said yes and she put the milk in first.
— Alexis Hall (@quicunquevult) December 13, 2018
This one really should be illegal.
Saw a couple standing side by side on the escalators coming up from the underground at Euston. Shocking.
— Sara Öberg Strådal (@tinyredbook) December 13, 2018
Goodness gracious, the youth of today are awful.
I once saw three street urchins on Kilburn High Road. I gave them each a shilling. They didn’t even say “Thank you Guvnor” and ran away. I’ve learned my lesson and no mistake.
— Les Aitch (@LesAitch) December 13, 2018
Even Larry the Cat got in on the sass.
I went to London to see the Queen. She wasn’t in. Disgraceful.
— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) December 13, 2018
Some of these crimes prove that London really is a dark place.
An acquaintance asked me if i would like a cup of tea. When I politely declined, they did not ask a second time so that I could graciously accept
— Johnny Chiodini (@johnneh) December 13, 2018
Although truly, there’s only one crime that actually took place during this thread.
A US newspaper asked for examples of petty crime in London and was severely wounded by thousands of cutting humorous replies from Brits.
— Nicholas Whithorn (@NickWhithorn) December 13, 2018