Nah Mate: 8 Failsafe Ways Londoners Can Abandon Ship On A Date

Lucy Mansfield Lucy Mansfield

Nah Mate: 8 Failsafe Ways Londoners Can Abandon Ship On A Date

We all know the stomach churning anticipation of a Tinder date.  You arrive at the Hawley Arms, look around but can’t see them, then you get that dreaded text and you turn your head towards the greasy, slick-backed four eyes in the corner.  Gutted.   You thought that was a girl.  Turns out it’s your date. You think: wait, I’ll give it a go and ten minutes in you realise that they’re as dry as toast. But don’t worry, that’s where these totally adequate excuses come in handy… Read this and maybe you can get some inspiration on how to abandon ship.


1. The Escape Plan

Best thing to do is go in with a pre-planned escape route (which is what CityMapper was invented for, right?). When times get bad, duck out with: “I’ve gotta run and feed my cat, he’s hypoglycemic.”

cat giphy
Your date definitely won’t know what that means so get outta there!!


2. Self-sabotage

Fake a text from your doctor and exclaim-

“Oh thank God for that!”

“What is it?”

“My test results came back and they’re all positive!  I thought I’d caught all sorts in that four day squat rave in Lambeth”

3. Tell a bad lie

“I’ve gotta go, I need to get up early and go to Bikram”

“I thought you said Bikram was like locking yourself in a sweaty hippie fart cave?”

“You can rent flowery gas masks now from Camden Lock”.


4. Just be honest – well kinda honest.

“I don’t think this is going to work…. I’m in love with someone else, I’m sorry”.

The truth: there is no one else, and hasn’t been since the bus driver let me on without my oyster card but if I hear one more anecdote about your summer in Bognor Regis, I’ll swallow my tongue.

bored tv reaction uninterested
5. Scare them off

season 1 jane the virgin jane villanueva pregnant belly
“Do you want another drink?”

“I better not, I don’t think he’ll like it” you say as you stroke your belly and whip out your trusty ‘Baby On Board Badge’. (N.B. if you’re a guy, this will work even more).


6. Stay back.

sick ill ferris buellers day off flu movies
“I think I’m coming down with something.  You can’t get bitten by a London tube mozzy twice in one year can you?”


7. Blame your crazy, new housemate.

excited bed
“If I’m not back before 10, he gets in to my bed and waits up for me.  That’s Spare Room-ing in London for you.”


8. The sly slink-off

Lopez on TV Land tv land dinner date bounce
“I’m just popping to the loo, I may be some time”.  If they get the Captain Oates reference, they may be worth going back for…

Tags: dating, funny
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