I Am Already Jealous Of Whoever Buys This London Houseboat

Rightmove sometimes rounds up properties for under £200,000 but, for obvious reasons, this rarely includes anywhere in London.

However, this perfect little houseboat has just about manage to float under the line. And I want to live in it.

I feel like if I lived here, all my breakfasts would be symmetrical. I would probably write a book, which would be warmly reviewed.

I would likely also have a dog, called Captain Boofer, who would have his own Instagram account, and little dog-sized lifejacket.

When I wanted some solitude, I would retire to my wheelhouse. When a guest asked for something like a bottle-opener, I could also say, ‘well, that’s not in my wheelhouse.’

I would be one of those people that gets tattoos occasionally. I would almost definitely keep a lid on the pirate–speak and 100% not refer to colleagues, friends and other non-boat-based-people as ‘landlubbers.’

If people came to visit, we would be able to talk about the boat for a little bit, in case we ran out of chat, rather than me just going ‘SO HOW ARE THINGS?!’ with icy tentacles of dread wrapped around my heart in case they just go ‘Oh fine nothing much to report.’

My iPhone would not have a massive crack down the front. When a waiter said ‘thanks for coming!’ I wouldn’t say ‘you too!’ I would be able to use chopsticks.

People say to me ‘oh, but you know. houseboats, they’re hard to maintain. it can be quite expensive.’ But honestly, once I actually HAD a houseboat, I would probably absorb its nautical energy and effortlessly become a more practical person. And then I could fix it all for free. I would perspire gently in the summer as I did something with a spanner, or wrench. I would also know the difference between a spanner and a wrench.

Also I would be SO SICK at guitar, I bet.

It’s yours for just £200,000 on Rightmove unless I get there first (spoiler, I am £203,998 away from having enough money.)