First of all, who the f*&% declared October 31st the day of pumpkins and fear?
Some say it has Pagan roots, originating from ancient Celtic harvest festivals. But everyone I know who revels in the Halloween spirit is just hyped up over the very secular aspect of the holiday, i.e. dressing up and getting totally rat-arsed. Now, I’m all for the latter part of the deal—believe me, I’ll happily take any excuse to pour myself a G&T—but the rest of it? It’s a no from me.
I’m often told off for thinking I’m “too cool” for Halloween but, really (really, really) I’m just anti-fake blood and outfits made of bin bags, and frankly there’s a big list of things I’d rather do than spend an evening deliberating who wore the devil horns best. If that makes me uncool then I’m honestly okay with it.
Fancy dress is far too stressful: there’s always the pressure of having to either look hot AF or wildly witty. (And if you end up being both? Kudos to you, you have won Halloween). The best I have done, can do, or will ever do, is draw a spider web on my face with an eyeliner — which of course lasts all of about 30 minutes before it smudges all over literally everything. Note to self: don’t ever greet people with a kiss on the cheek if either party is covered in “scary” makeup.
And, let’s not forget, there’s always that one person who takes things waaaay too far and arrives wearing something recklessly un-PC.
Much like any other commercial holiday (we’re talking about you, NYE) there is a nagging expectation that you should have the single best night of your life. But, generally, this kind of pressure leads to you having a distinctly average night and waking up the following day insisting that “next year we will plan this better”. But actually, it’s the planning that’s the problem. Organised fun does not equate to fun. Has nobody worked this out by now?
Halloween isn’t for another 2 weeks and, even now, it’s far too early for everything to start turning green and orange. But, of course, it’s been happening in houses, shops and bars for at least a month now. In fact, as soon as the Easter eggs and fluffy bunnies came down from the shelves it was all fake cobwebs and Frankenstein masks. Sorry but can you f*cking not?
Don’t even get me started on all the scary movies and horror stories. That sh*t is scary. Just because it’s October does not give you the right to terrify the living daylights out of me. I do not take it well. And what’s with all the stupid traditions like throwing eggs at houses? I was literally once banned from buying eggs on October 31st because I didn’t have any ID. I repeat – I was once asked for identification to buy eggs. An innocent 16 year-old, robbed of my right to make delicious pancakes because I couldn’t provide any proof of age. For f*cking eggs.
Halloween? You’re tacky and I hate you.
Did this rant make you rage? Do you adore Halloween with all your heart? Here’s a list of Halloween parties that are happening across London. If you’re more of a pumpkin-carver than the go-out-and-get-drunk-dressed-as-a-zombie type, here are the best alternative Halloween events to try.
[Feature Image: Eric]