The office Christmas party. The one event in every Londoner’s workplace calendar that no one wants to attend, yet everyone feels obliged to attend, and which involves certain somebody’s that make you wish you never did attend. By all means we are huge fans of an occasional spot of karaoke and ridiculously ugly jumpers, but a communal celebration of surviving the trials and tribulations of 12 months at a desk next to Flatulence Fred and Moronic Mildred?! No thanks. Buuut, sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do and thus, in friendly Christmas cheer, we bestow unto you the most important list (besides your one to Santa obvs) you will ever need…
1. The Organiser
While, really, we are indebted to you ‘oh mightyful mastermind organiser’ for ringing up and booking a venue and sending out a confirmation e mail to the grand total of all 17 of us in the office…that does NOT GIVE YOU THE RIGHT to spend the entire evening drill sergeant-ing around in a sad attempt to make up for your diminutive role in the workplace and sad, sad life of lists, military precision and scrupulous time-keeping skills. Keep your opinions about the venue to yourself, folks…otherwise, DROP DOWN AND GIVE ME 20.
2. The Flirt
Well said, Schmidt, well said. Nancy from HR…we don’t mind the odd hand touch/cuddle/pat on the bum in the office. In fact, it is actually quite nice when we’re feeling a bit lonely and haven’t felt the touch of a human in…*ahem*…but copping a feel of Flatulence Fred’s Freddie, throwing come-to-bed-eyes all night to the only half-decent chap in the office and promising to be ‘your’ Santa’s Little Helper to every guy in the office is just too far. WE WANT A GO UNDER THAT MISTLETOE TOO YOU KNOW NANCY.
3. The Perv/Inappropriate Santa
No, Pervy Pete, we do not want to sit on Santa’s lap thank YOU.
4. The Dark Horse
Hair back, pinstripes and kitten heels on…this unsuspecting member of staff will take you by surprise if you’re not careful. One minute they can’t say boo to a goose and the next they’re helping themselves to other people’s drinks and picking up a few tips from Nancy HR. Betty, you have shocked us, SHOCKED us. Now stop with the towel-like rubbing of Hunky Hazza’s tie between your legs and get over here…we feel you may be far more fun than we initially gave you credit.
5. The Super Serious Boss
Stop acting like the boss, and start acting like da boss, Simon. Come ON, now that we’ve met your wife we’d bet money that you were a freak between the sheets so there’s no need for this robotic, awkward chit chat with raised eyebrows at the word ‘bollocks’ when Nancy spilt her whiskey coke down her cleavage. And yes, I will have that report in for Tuesday. Thanks ever so much for the reminder.
6. The Awful Dancer
There’s alllwaayyss one. And yes Sharon from IT, we’re looking at you. This staff member will not vacate the dance floor – tonight it is their personal stage and the masses of open-mouthed colleagues sitting around the vicinity of the dance floor are their greatest audience. Also available for christenings, bah mitzvahs and evening wedding receptions.
7. The Drunk/Cryer/Drunk Cryer
We told you not to have that heart-to-heart with Simon…or that 7th glass of red. Silly. Didn’t you do this last year? And the year before…and we’re pretty sure the year before that…now quit sobbing Mariah and get off the toilet floor already.
8. The One Who Doesn’t Want To Be There
Party pooper central with this one. WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE?! You haven’t said hello. You haven’t got a drink. You refuse to dance. YOU DIDN’T BRING IN THE BOX OF MINCE PIES LIKE YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO. You and Pervy Pete go and sit in the corner together now. Boring Borris.
9. The Limpet
Oh sorry, hi there Dave! Didn’t see you there because YOUR NOSE WAS SO FAR UP SIMON’S BUTT. Are you ok? Have you somehow manage to weld yourself to his side?
This is the one to watch out for the most…they’ll be heartily laughing at your bosses shit jokes all night, cooing at his development plan and be left looking heartbroken as he exits early without hearing their full 14-part eulogy to his greatness, written in staggering detail (in their own blood). Bore off.
Featured Image Credit: XclusiveTouch