9 Inevitable Stages Of A Boxing Day Hangover

So you got drunk on Christmas Day, did you? Er, so did we. SO DID EVERYONE. And we don’t know about you but we’re currently lying flat out in our onesies with yesterday’s late-night turkey feast clutched in our sticky paws. It’s not a pretty sight.

1. The First Awakening.

It’s about 4 in the morning and you’ve only woken up because your bladder was painfully full of that last bit of Baileys you simply had to finish. As you shuffle to the loo you remember hazy visions of singing Last Christmas with Grandpa Terry and sitting on the cat.

 

2. The Second Awakening.

Now you arise fully; mouth dryer than a Gap Yah’s flip flop, head pounding like a Skrillex/Bieber mash-up. You cannot open your eyes because they are glued together with glitter, which you inexplicably dusted yourself with after declaring to your family you were ‘the real gift to the world’.

 

3. The Chocolate Purge.

Usually your first meal of the day, since actually cooking seems far too difficult right now. You have to make do with the Toffee Pennys of each box because you ate all the good stuff yesterday and when you find an abandoned advent calendar, you tear into it with all the grace of half-starved lioness.

 

4. The Moment.

You’ll all have at least one ‘Moment’ during the day, relating to how honest you were with you friends/family. This will range from sheer terror at the thought of what you said about Uncle Dave’s new ‘ladee’ at the dinner table last night, to sheer embarrassment as you remember you confessed you only wash your jeans once a month (THEY LOSE THEIR SHAPE).

 

5. The TV slump.

Boxing day telly is usually crap for a reason and that reason is because you are totally not going to pay one ounce of attention to what’s actually happening on screen. Eastenders could light a real life child on fire and do a naked conga line of the Mitchell family and you’d not so much as blink. You remain on your sofa for 3-4 hours, occasionally burping and eating more chocolate.

 

6. The Re-emergence.

You thought your hangover was dwindling, but oh hello raging headache. Your left nostril starts running and suddenly you realise just how cold you are. Someone asks you how you are and the noise that comes out of your mouth was supposed to be words but was more amphibian-esque.

 

7. The Test.

You casually look at your iPhone, hoping to see if that girl on Tinder has liked your Christmasgram yet (a jaunty jumper, an elderly relative and an Amaro filter= perfection) and your mate Jon has texted you.

“Pub?”

 

8. The Decision.

Your hands are shaking from post-alcoholic-binge but already an idea is brewing. This moment will decide if you make or break 2016, you think. It’ll set the bar for the year to come. Never mind that you smell of orange peel because you’ve consumed 50 tangerines, YOU CAN DO THIS.

 

9. The Aftermath.

You’ve just thrown up in Spoons and you’re sat crying in the toilets. The bathroom attendant gave you a tissue and rubbed your back but is secretly plotting how to move your dribbling face away from her tray of Paco Rabanne. You tip her £20 and trip on the half-hanging tinsel on your way out, before accidentally taking out the Nativity display as you arrive back home.

 

All gifs found on Tumblr.

Featured Image: Huffington Post.

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