We all experience unnecessary tanger (tube anger) on a daily basis. The combination of the heat, lack of fresh air and confined space makes us despise the world and everyone in it. Most of the time, we’ll journey into work only ever half-conscious of the people in the carriage around us. That is, unless they’re one of these people, who can’t help make themselves known…
1. The Leg Stretcher
You’ve bagged yourself a seat. Win. But of course, the guy who grabs the seats next to you decides to spread his legs as wide as an Olympic gymnast. Personal. Space.
2. The Shamefully Nice Guy
You know – the one that offers his or her seat up to the pregnant lady/ old man with such extraordinary speed – as if they were simply waiting for it. You hadn’t even looked up from your Candy Crush. The over-sensitive arsehole… making you look bad.
3. The Pole Dancer
The one hogging onto the central pole, clinging to it so close that you wouldn’t be surprised if they started grinding on it and asking for tips. Come on guys. We can get plenty of people around that pole. Let’s stick to the one hand rule.
4. The Secret Reader
The person that ‘slyly’ reads your newspaper over your shoulder. Although it’s not so sly when you can feel their breath on your neck. And smell the Mexican spiced wrap they ate for lunch. The Metro’s free, for God’s sake. Grab your own.
5. The Wifi Hog
When you try and desperately connect to the Underground WiFi to send that hilarious video of the puppy in the paddling pool to your group Whatsapp chat, but can’t connect whenever the train stops at a station. And you know why. It’s obviously because of that smug git scrolling through Instagram opposite you. You don’t know how he’s done it, but you know he’s hogging the precious wiffy.
6. The Cartophile
The guy that is so keen on reading the tube line, they lean right over your head to examine every. single. stop. They stay there for well over 15 minutes, which is the amount of time you’ve been forced to stare at their crotch, covered only by a thin beige trouser material. Probs a tourist.
7. The Doormen
The one’s that hang around the door, refusing to budge (no matter who needs to get off), like some kind of high and mighty bouncer at a nightclub. Only at the very last minute will they decide to briefly hop off. But most of the time, they just expect you to work your way around them.
8. The Strippers
We all make the uncomfortable error of wearing too many layers Taking off layers, throwing them around – bask in your own sweat for 20 minutes like the rest of us, goddamn it.
9. The Commentators
‘Only two more stops’. Great, you’ve got 15 more fucking stops because you work in North London and live in Clapham. And yes, you’re on the Northern Line for nearly and hour every day. And yes it’s hell. So thanks for reminding me my life sucks, Mr ‘Only 2 stops’ man.