Let’s face it, this tube strike has brought out the worst in us. Everyone is angry at someone. Or something. And if they’re not angry at something, they’re making someone angry somewhere else by being really happy. Londoners are grumpy at the best of times. But today, it’s official: we’re a bunch of awful human beings. Here’s 7 types of people you will no doubt encounter today (and feel some deep rage towards).
1. The Smug Two-Wheeler.
I beat the #tubestrike with my collapsible scooter. Max tanning angle too as I head East in the AM & West to get back to Waterloo this PM!
— Peter Scoffham (@pscoffham) July 9, 2015
Cyclists are smug at the best of times (it must be all those exhaust fumes they inhale) but the strike has brought out a rarer breed of two-wheeler. And they’re even more infuriating. They rode to work on their Segway or their self-balancing scooter – or maybe their unicycle – zipping past you with streamlined serenity as you trudged along in your trainers. They may not have blisters on their feet – but they look like a mug.
2. The Positive Route Changer
They’ve embraced it with open arms and exercise kits. Their 106 minute power-walk to work in the sunshine has made them realise how “fresh” and “rejuvenated” and “alive” they feel when they wake up at 5.30am. They’ve documented their spiritual awakening on Twitter, posted a few snaps of sun-dappled footpaths and already voiced a possible career change. If people didn’t find them intensely irritating before, they do now. They’re probably American. (True Londoners just don’t have it in them).
3. The Non-Londoner
I’m enjoying the #tubestrike by not living in shitty London with 8 million other miserable sods.
— Mark T (@Tulstar) July 9, 2015
You know what, all credit to them. They’ve endured months of social-insecurity, tirelessly answering the question “but is that on a tube line?” with a strained smile and a quiet shake of the head whilst internally cursing the self-centred capital dweller and their closed-minded attitude towards anything that isn’t contained within the 241 square miles that is the London postal district. They may have never tried a Japanese kimchi hot dog but their bus journey costs £1.20 and it took them 10 minutes to get to work today. For this one day, it’s safe to say: you win Non-Londoner, you win.
4. The Work-From-Homer
Either their totally chilled T-Shirt-wearing boss gave them permission to work from home for the day or they’re self-employed so this day has no effect on them anyway. They will be helping themselves to endless top-ups from their Nespresso machine and will probably pop to yoga in the mid-afternoon. Console yourself with the knowledge that they probably work for a start-up and therefore get paid in Monopoly money. (How the hell did they afford that Nespresso machine?!)
5. The “Political” Troll
I’m sorry but your point is invalid. Either adamantly against a worker’s right to strike (whilst ignoring the various rights won through protest that they exercise on a daily basis) or all of a sudden more enraged than a factory worker in Victorian England, these “political” trolls are ultimately as confused as the rest of us. They’ll contradict themselves eight times on one thread. (And they probably voted Tory anyway). Either way, let’s hope their moral high horse ensures them a safe journey home tonight.
6. The Blame Boris Brigade
They’re not entirely sure why they feel so much anger. So they just blame Boris. He’s got really bad hair.
7. The Angry Mother F*cker
They heard rumours of the strike a few days ago, and they immediately saw red. They’ve been tearing up Twitter ever since, finding as many synonyms for “CARNAGE” as they possibly can whilst simultaneously posting pages of income data. Watch out, they will tell anyone who will listen. “THEY ARE HOLDING US TO RANSOM!” They’ve even offered to drive the train themselves. If they see a lead, they will take it. In fact, they’re probably about to spam this post.