There are many that claim to be the real deal. The consummate Londoner. Do not, I repeat, do not believe them until you’ve cross-referenced them against this checklist. Do they stroll slowly? Or make lots of noise? Perhaps they’re happy to ‘just go for a quiet drink’. NOT A LONDONER…
1) You hate anyone that walks slower than the speed of sound
It’s not a busy train platform. It’s a deadly obstacle course, filled with non-London sloths dragging trip-hazard wheelie cases around and slow-motion couples that refuse to walk in single file. You want to shout ‘GET OUT OF MY WAY YOU IDIOTS’. But you’re a Londoner, so you mumble politely, ‘excuse me please, sorry.’
2) Is that noise?
You reserve a special kind of hatred for that one person on the tube whose music is a decibel above acceptable in their headphones. You’ll stare at them intensely, and try to catch the eyes of other Londoners on the carriage to acknowledge your mutual torture. And let’s not even get started on noise in the workplace…
3) You recognise the importance of the tea break
So important. After all, the kitchen is the only place in the office in which noise is acceptable. Prepare to stand awkwardly by the kettle and make uninspiring small talk, revelling in the fact that you’re allowed to speak out loud, but secretly craving the comfort of desk-based solitude/silence.
4) Drinks O’clock!
Every Londoner must answer the call of Drinks O’Clock. Tools will be downed, tasks dropped, meetings rearranged. After all, it’s an order, not a question. Londoners will know that Drinks O’Clock runs from Wednesday through to Saturday, and occasionally on a Sunday, Monday or Tuesday.
5) Weekend is wild time
You’ve spent all week being quiet, polite and British. Now, it’s the weekend and, like a caged beast, you’re going to let loose. You will stumble drunkenly. You will order a cab at an ungodly hour. You will eat a kebab. And on Monday morning, you will delete all memory of what has gone before.
6) You’re a tour guide to anyone who lives outside of Zone 4 on the tube line
A real Londoner is ready to be stopped and hounded for directions at any moment. They’ll have a visit from a friend from Milton Keynes and promise to show off ‘the local cuisine’ in China Town. And the Londoner always ‘knows a place’, and will take all visitors to said place, even if it is not even remotely nearby.
7) Bank Holiday is EXTRA wild time
What is it, like the queen’s birthday or something? Nothing gives the Londoner more of a thrill than the chance to go out on a Sunday night. It’s so naughty, isn’t it?