The 7 Painfully True Stages Of A New Year’s Day Hangover

Georgie Hoole Georgie Hoole - EXECUTIVE EDITOR

The 7 Painfully True Stages Of A New Year’s Day Hangover

However you spent your New Year’s Eve, it’s very likely you were drunk.

You probably also spent a lot of money – unless, of course, you enjoyed getting pleasantly trashed from the comfort of your own living room, with the fireworks on the telly. But now it’s New Year’s Day and you feel a strange mixture of regret, joy that you don’t have to get up and go to work, and another rising feeling… is it hope? Perhaps it’s the excitement of a fresh start? No? Oh no… it’s vomit.


1. You wake up.

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It’s a new dawn! It’s a new day! It’s a new. bloody. year. But before you’ve even raised your head from the pillow, you already know you’re going to feel like shit. It was inevitable, let’s be honest. Hello 2018!

When you do eventually manage to prise your eyes open, you don’t even recognise where the hell you are, so you’re almost definitely not ready to embrace the “new you”.


2. “What the hell happened last night?”

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Thank goodness for Uber. Without it you’d have no way to track your whereabouts last night. Apparently you did a lot a traipsing around London, completely ignoring the fact that there was free public transport and managed to rack up an almighty Uber charge of £57. It turns out you’re currently in Richmond (?!), but before you got here you’re pretty sure you were in a bar in Shoreditch, shortly followed by a “minor” detour to Clapham High Street. You guess you went there with the not-so-sober intention of going to Infernos but, considering your next Uber picked you up 15 minutes later, you can only assume you got distracted by McDonald’s and left swiftly after some chicken nuggets. Start the new year as you don’t mean to go on. Isn’t that the saying?


3. Regret. Of the financial kind.

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You shamefully check your bank statements and absorb the damage made by your inner big spender that reveals itself when drunk. 

Did I really justify spending £24 on a cocktail because it was “a special occasion”?!

Oh, ffs. Cue regret and self loathing.


4. Realisation.


The first step of getting your life together is getting your shit together, starting with your personal belongings. There’s no doubt that you lost something last night. You know you have your phone because you’ve seen your Uber receipt, but your card? Coat? ID? Oyster card? It’d be a miracle if they all made it back with you.


5. Optimism and good intentions.


You vow at this very point to never touch alcohol again, and to never spend any money again. After all, New Year = new you. You shouldn’t be hungover! You should be changing your life and becoming a fitter, richer, smarter, sexier and generally improved version of yourself. Perhaps you’ll even go for a… wait for it… run.

Just after someone passes you the sick bucket.


6. Crippling hunger.

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All good intentions soon fade when the inevitable hangover hunger sets in. What should have been a great start to your healthiest year yet ends up with you ordering a big, fat, filthy burger straight to your door.


7. Time to write the day off.

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You’ve come to the unanimous decision with the world that 2018 can jolly well piss off. You declare today the Day of Bed and tell yourself that the new year can start tomorrow. Do. Not. Disturb. 



Feature Image: Flickr: annie mole

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