London can be a harsh mistress. One of the most rewarding places to live in at times, there’s also an unforgiving side to the capital. So, it only follows that we have to tell ourselves the odd little white lie to maintain the status quo. Here’s 6 pearlers that we’ve all muttered at some point:
1) “That’s not so far away”
Never, ever say ‘I can get there in 5 minutes’ in London. It’s like when soap characters say ‘everything’s going to be be alright from now on’. A recipe for doom from the outset, the optimistic journey plan will lead to endless buses and gruelling cross-tube station hikes, before the obligatory follow of the phone app down some dark alley because ‘it says it’s down here somewhere’.
2) Drinks “aren’t too expensive”
A pint for under a fiver? And it’s from a trendy local brewery? With a quirky, puntastic name like ‘BEER’S JONNY!!!’ You may as well have 7. And then there’s Happy ‘Hour’. Usually lasting for at least 3 hours on a Monday afternoon at 4 o’clock, ultimate happiness is achieved when ordering 2-for-1 on £12 cocktails.
3) “I’ll cook tomorrow”
But today, you’ll dine like a king. Because it’s got to be easier and quicker to have someone else cook, right? After all, you’re far too busy to make sandwiches. But, there might just be time for a quick couple of courses down at that nice Italian restaurant. And a cappuccino.
4) “I’ll clean tomorrow”
5) “I’ll exercise tomorrow”
How many different ways are there to exercise in London? If you wanted to, you could go and sign up to some rad class involving skateboarding with your dog and pilates. But you won’t. You’ll go home and eat ice cream, and watch the latest installment of Rich People Who Know How To Exercise and Socialise.
6) “I wish I lived outside of London”
People seem so nice out there in Yorkshire, don’t they? Everyone’s so cheerful and friendly. Maybe you could actually live there, and be happy. No, you couldn’t. It’s a lie. You love rushing around frantically in the heart of the city. You love coffee to go with your name on it (does that say Jon? Or Joan? Or Juan?)