Geordies may catch a cold, Brummies might get a migraine and we’re sure Bristolians throw up once in while but no one city is quite as sick as London. Us Londoners find ourselves afflicted by a rare breed of illnesses only recognised by fellow Londoners and leading medical practitioners… probably. Here are a list of side affects you might experience after a high dosage of living in London.
When you first moved to the city you turned your nose up at that not-so rare bread of Londoner with his bushy beard and beanie hat. This particular illness is air-born and hangs in the smog around the Dalston and Shoreditch area. You wake up one morning and decide to wear sunglasses in December, the symptoms really show as you ride your flip up scooter from bar to bar along Shoreditch box park. By this stage it’s too late and it is likely to worsen before it gets better. However, there may be a cure… (results of Unpretentiousil may vary).
2. Financial Insanity
This patient has lost all sense of price reality. Their amnesia prevents them from remembering how much things cost outside of the city. They wonder around worrying their friends with exclamations of ‘£10 for a bowl of cereal with chocolate milk, that is so reasonable!’ and ‘it only cost me £15 from Covent Garden to Leicester Square in the taxi, cheap right?!’ Send them back on the path to mental stability with a trip to Newcastle for the weekend, ensuring they take plenty of £2 doubles and £1.50 bus rides.
3. Acute North Londonlomyelitis
The sufferer of Acute North Londonlomyelitis is lacking the part of the brain that acknowledges anything south of Westminster. Clapham, Wimbledon, Brixton, these are all just mythical lands to this patient, equivalent to Mordor and Hogsmede. They believe that London ends at the river and anything south of that must be Surrey, or even France. They must be enlightened with doses of trips to South London and a prescription of a tube map.
4. Furioucity Fever
(Get it? FuriouCITY!!) Anyway, this poor Londoner has become inflamed with the city’s anger. The causes of Furioucity Fever are plentiful and include, (but are not limited to), pain caused by people standing on the left of the escalators, tube rage from an armpit to the face or tripping over a selfie stick on Oxford Street. To cool down from this fever we suggest a relaxing weekend away somewhere peaceful… maybe try Hertfordshire.
5. Periodic Blindness
A common condition affecting Londoners, and dogs apparently, causing them to loose the ability to look up. The patients symptoms include: not being able to look away from ones phone, eyes glued to the metro or a book on public transport and the appearance of wearing blinkers as they stare right past the guy trying to sell them his mixtape. This is not a fatal disease and there appear to be many home remedies to tackle the ailment including simply lifting ones head up around 2-3 inches into the air and making eye contact with a fellow human. We understand the difficulties this may cause.
Feature Image: [hellogiggles]