Valentine’s Day brings out the worst in some people, whether that be the too-intense declarations of love from couples happy to saturate your Facebook newsfeed, to the aggressive ranting of Valentine’s haters who are keen to ensure it’s a hellish day for everyone. It’s all about balance guys. Ditch the hate, show the love…but don’t show us your insides.
1. The Valentine’s Champ
Valentine’s Day may be on a Sunday this year, but that’s not going to stop this gal/guy showing off their array of flowers, cards and gifts sent to the office by their other half or anonymous admirers in the lead up to the big day. You watch the obscenity from behind your computer screen, rolling your eyes and muttering something about your pollen allergies. You don’t care. She probably sent them to herself anyway. Pft.
2. The #ShardSelfie Couple
You’ll know this couple well. Maybe not personally, but they’re constantly all over on your newsfeed. And they are, no doubt, having a big Valentine’s Day Blow Out, starting with Champagne up the Shard. After 7 selfie attempts later it’s all #love#bae#shard#london. Filter: check. The whole day will be documented in Instagram photos of the view, each other, drinks and food. They seemingly manage to go the whole day without speaking before dinner at Sushi Samba – shock. All in the name of a ‘gram that gets 11+ likes.
3. The Tinder Addict
The single who has lined up at least a date every night the week before Val Day. They’re easy to spot – look out for finger blisters and repetitive straining injuries obtained through vigorous swiping. They’ll be on Tinder whenever they can, quickly connecting to the WiFi at every tube stop in an attempt to scout out London’s best online talent from Morden to Stratford. Other singletons watch out if you do have any first dates planned – check the state of your date’s thumbs before committing yourself to anything.
4. The Anti-Commerical Ranter
‘I don’t believe in commercialising love’… ‘Valentine’s Day was just one of Hallmark’s inventions to rinse our money’. We’ve heard them all before. Heck, we’ve probably said them ourselves when we’ve had to dish out ridiculous amounts of money on Christmas/Mother’s Day/National Nutella Day presents. Yet sometimes the ranting gets a bit too much. Yes, it’s another holiday people spend money on, but then again people can make their own decisions. We should pride ourselves on being savvy consumers – it’s not as if we unknowingly fall into the commercialised trap. Let people spend money if they so desire.
5. The Public Pashers
There’s nothing more off-putting (or unhygienic) than Underground snogfests. We get it, you’re in love – or just super horny – but think about the poor sod sitting opposite. Where do they look? They can only stare at the Central Line map for so long before their eyes slip down and catch sight of a slobbery tongue. Save it for the bedroom… or at least the back of an Uber.