The 5 Types Of Couples That Will Never Make It In London

Annabel Usher Annabel Usher

The 5 Types Of Couples That Will Never Make It In London

*To be read in the Sarah Jessica Parker/Carrie Bradshaw SATC voiceover.* Although it’s effortlessly easy to fall in love with London, actually finding someone to fall in love with in London is slightly harder. Relationships everywhere are full of mystery and heartbreak and inevitable drunken texts at 3am, but in London it seems couples have to overcome even more obstacles to make it in the big smoke. (We know no one actually calls it the big smoke). At Secret London we have decided to channel our inner relationship guru and explain the 5 types of couples that will never make it in London…


1. The ‘Long Distance’ Couple

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You live in Wimbledon, I live in Kentish Town. Things can never work between us. You’ll start off by making the hour long journey to visit each other’s flats but soon grow tired of the Northern line and the overground and the ten minute walk from the station to home. You’ll decide to compromise by meeting up in Central ‘it’s sort of the halfway point anyway’ but after countless overpriced dinners in Covent Garden you’ll soon realise you were never meant to be.


2. The Incompatible Walkers

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It’s kick out time, 5:30 at a disgustingly busy Bank tube station. You rush ahead striding up the escalators on the left hand side taking the steps two at a time but when you glance back your other half has stopped on the right and is standing to ride the escalator in a calm and collected and blasé manner. You let it slide and wait for them at the top before then rushing off again, weaving and bobbing in and out of the crowd but still… they are not by your side. Instead, you see your beloved walking at an amicable pace, head peering down at their phone screen. They’ll say you’re too impatient and you’ll say they’re wasting too much time. Your walking techniques have driven you apart.


3. The Foodie vs The Foodon’t

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London is a city with infinite food possibilities. One half of your happy couple wants to try it all. They’re up to date with the latest restaurant openings (with guaranteed reservations!), they want to sample every item of street food at KERB and are always chasing down the ridiculous London food trends. The other half however, cba to queue up for an hour at Dishoom, doesn’t like street food because it’s too messy and would be much more content with a Nando’s or Domino’s delivery than a Freakshake or a Rainbow Bagel. You’ll never agree on date venues and you’ll spend so much time arguing about where to eat that the constant Hanger will soon become just anger. On to the next!


4. The Baller vs The Saver

We’re not about to start telling you how expensive London is (we make enough jokes about that already!) but, just quickly, London is really fucking expensive. There are two ways Londoners deal with this problem: 1) they embrace it 2) they try to avoid it. The Saver will only drink at happy hours and would rather find a little dive bar than splash out at a fancy cocktail venue. The Baller however, will cut back on everything to be able to attend a fabulous restaurant or spend £100 on one classy night out. We’re not even sure how this couple met with one residing at Duck and Waffle and the other in their local ‘Spoons… probably on Tinder tbh.


5. The London Love/Hate Couple

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So, deep down every Londoner loves London… but for some of us ‘deep down’ may be hidden under 15 years of beef with TfL and avoiding Oxford Circus at all costs. This sort of Londoner is unimpressed when passing Big Ben and even spotting a rogue celeb in the wild doesn’t wow them anymore. They’re dating the hard-core London lover and although it may be true that ‘opposites attract’, in this case that amount of pep and amazement at ‘everyday’ London things can get a little grating for their other half. The London Lover wants to snap a photo every time they pass the The Gherkin or see a dog on the tube. Think of the Grinch dating one of the Hoos, (okay we know that happens at the end of the movie but WAKE UP PEOPLE how long can Martha May Hoo actually stay with that grump after the end credits have finished rolling?!)


Feature Image: [flickr: Garry Knight]

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