Because no matter how much you want that dress, it’s never worth it.
1. Right, off the tube at Oxford Circus for a speedy dip into…nope. Okay, we’ll just stand on the escalator.
2. Yep, can I just…do you mind if I… no. We’ll stand.
3. Which exit? How do I still not know which side Oxford St South is?!
4. And up.
5. Wrong side.
6. Okay now to cross the street. At least pedestrians rule the roads here.
7. Double decker bus coming? Just watch me. If we all cross together at the same time there’s nothing Mr Bus Driver can do about it…
9. Small victories.
10. No, I don’t want to repent to Jesus for my sins.
11. But I do want a waffle…
12. That smell. THAT SMELL.
13. Do they do it on purpose?? Do they have a tank containing the smell of fried batter and chocolate, which they belch out into the air at hourly intervals?!
14. Must resist.
15. They’re probably gross anyway.
16. That waffle entering that girl’s face does not look gross.
17. What’s going on outside Topshop? There’s a group of roughly 700 people loitering outside.
18. Maybe Kate Moss is here.
19. No, no, just a Saturday.
20. Right, just to squeeeeze in through the doors and, woah. No. ABORT MISSION.
21. Am I getting really old or is the music playing in Topshop louder than one of those disco things that young people go to?
22. Change of plan. Can I just…? Okay, yep I’m in your selfie.
23. No I don’t want to model for Zebra Models. You tricked me once when I was 13 and I’m never making that mistake again.
24. (Who pays to be a model anyway?!)
25. (Me. When I was 13).
26. Right now just got to battle my way down to Selfridges.
27. Just to check out the Christmas windows, obviously can’t afford to buy anything.
28. Get out my way.
29. Why are you walking so slow?
30. DON’T STAND STILL IF YOU’RE LOST!!
31. It’s either that way or that way but you don’t need to stop.
32. God this place is dangerous.
33. Are you actually having fun?? Are you enjoying the sites??
34. Did you come to shop or did you come to stare?
35. TOURISTS BELONG AT PICADDILLY CIRCUS NOT HERE.
36. Not you Mr Hare Krishna. You keep dancing.
37. But you, Mr Rick Shaw can move right along.
38. Who actually rides those things?
39. Oxford St is bad enough without having to breathe in mouthfuls of nitrogen dioxode from the bus in front.
40. Wait, I swear Oxford St was found to be the worst place in the world for nitrogen dioxide?
41. Omg. Don’t breathe. Not breathing.
42. Now I understand why those people walk around with face masks.
43. MOVE OUT OF MY WAY I’M DYING AND I CAN’T BREATHE.
44. AM I GOING TO DIE?!
45. I’m dying.
46. I’m dead.
47. My life ended on Oxford St. Just 15 steps away from Selfridges.
48. Outside the shop that sells weird lights and teddy bears wearing union jack t-shirts.
49. “Here she lies. All she wanted was a new dress. Let that be a lesson to all. Never shop at Oxford St on a Saturday.”