45 Things You’ll Never Hear A Londoner Say

Maybe you’re getting bored of us making jokes about how grumpy and tired of the city’s bullshit Londoners are and perhaps it’s time we stopped. But unfortunately for you, lovely SL reader, we aren’t going to. So we’ve compiled a list of things you will never hear a Londoner say…

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1. I love how peaceful Hyde Park is.
2. I can always get a seat at my favourite pub.
3. I love experiencing the wide variety of restaurants and pop up food vendors the city has to offer.
4. I never eat at Nandos.
5. Or Pizza Express.
6. London does really needs some more McDonalds though, I can barely find one nowadays.
7. Wait one second mate, just need to pop into M&M world.
8. Shall we just take a short cut through Leicester Square?
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9. Let’s meet in the plaza at Covent Garden.
10. That cab fare was really reasonable.
11. Is it just me or are taxis actually getting cheaper?
12. I would never dream of using Uber.
13. I have never been on a Tinder date.
14. Oxford Street is really empty today.
15. I do all my shopping on Oxford Street actually.
16. Of course I have a few minutes to talk to you about hospital care.
17. I’m so sorry I just bumped into you!
18. I really love tourists.
19. I never read Rush Hour Crush in the Metro.
20. I’ve never fallen in love on the Tube and imagined mine and Tube Bae’s future children.
21. I’ve visited all of the tourist attractions.
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22. Okay take the red line 5 stops and then the light pink line 2.
23. 7 minutes till the next tube? Reasonable.
24. The Central Line is always so empty during rush hour.
25. I’ve never felt like crying on the tube.
26. All these day festivals and club nights are so affordable.
27. I don’t keep track of who’s round it is.
28. I’m so glad I can get jaffa cake flavoured kale salads whenever I want.
29. I’ve never imagined myself being violent towards tourists.
30. Or to people stood on their phones on the stairs of the underground.
31. I need an outfit for tonight.. Let’s go to Cyberdog.
32. It’s so refreshing when someone starts a conversation with me on public transport.
33. I can’t believe that construction site is becoming new luxury apartments… it’s about time!
34. I heard a great new song on this guy’s mobile phone on the bus last night.
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35. Why would I post a photo of my brunch on instagram?
36. OMG! Take a photo of me with a guard outside Buckingham Palace!
37. Actually I’ll just use my selfie stick.
38. It’s so annoying when my oyster card works smoothly and I haven’t forgotten to top it up.
39. It’s always well worth spending £6 on a new quirky coffee just to say you’ve tried it.
40. Anyone wanna grab a salad after the pub?
41. £20 for three jagerbombs is soooo reasonable.
42. It’s so easy to move up the housing ladder.
43. I’ll probably own my own place in a few years.
44. I’m in a good mood all the time!!
45. No one in London seems grumpy or tired of the city’s bullshit!

 

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