Leaving London poses a whole heap of problems we’d really rather not deal with.
We know leaving London sounds like effort with a capital E but once you’ve arrived at your destination, be it ‘Oop Narth’ or ‘Dairn Sath’, you’ll probably feel better for it. For about ten minutes, before the realisation that you’re in the middle of nowhere sets in and you begin to panic.
1. You’ll get on the train and realise you left everything behind.
2. And spend the next 2 hours frantically googling if they have an Apple store near Carlisle.
3. You’ll revel in the countryside around you…
4. Until you go past your first pig farm…
5. And the smell makes you seriously question your love of bacon.
6. You’ll be picked up to be taken home.
7. And it won’t be a £45 pound Uber.
8. But you will be made to feel guilty for it.
9. You’ll forget how far apart everything is.
10. And pat yourself on the back for how much exercise you’ll be doing.
11. Then promptly stuff yourself with a Quality Street tin.
12. Your mum will ask, “What’s new in London?”
13. And you’ll get super sad.
14. Because you’ll already have missed out on 4 new pop-ups.
15. And she’ll get excited by a new Wagamamas’ opening.
16. Your signal will be but a distant memory.
17. And you’ll long for the days you could use your contactless card in shops.
18. And there are no Flat Whites in sight (“Flat What?”).
19. But you may actually see snow.
20. And build a snowman…
21. But then you’ll get snowed in and realize you hate life.
22. Your childhood friends will organise a Christmas Eve meet up at your old local…
23. Where everybody rolls their eyes at every ‘cosmopolitan’ tale you have to tell.
24. And they’ll silently murder you every time you bring up how ‘cheap’ home is.
25. Or how expensive London is.
26. Or how you once saw ‘that guy off Hollyoaks, you know, the fit one’ in your local Starbucks.
27. You might have to attend a Christingle service.
28. And you’ll still get told off for eating all the dolly mixture.
29. In London, you saw an ‘interpretative’ Nativity featuring actual sheep.
30. And at home you helped wrap the kitchen towel around a snotty shepherds head.
31. You’ll get a cold.
32. And consequently be sick over Christmas.
33. And your mum will blame London’s ‘smog’.
34. Your bank balance will suddenly lose the “-” sign it’s been dragging for months…
35. …only to get it back again as soon as you go to an ‘artisan fair’.
36. You’ll realise you love being at home for Christmas.
37. With central heating and a stocked fridge and OMG EVERYTHING IS FREE.
38. But despite this, you long for the days when you’ll be back in L-town.
39. Because let’s be honest, nothing beats it.
Featured Image Credit: Flickr – Andrew Stawarz