From a Greg’s pasty to doing the nasty, there are some astonishing differences between the Toon and Landan Town; making moving to the big smoke not just hefty in terms of distance. Us Northerners are a hardy bunch but to be perfectly honest, nothing could have prepared us for this…
1. The slight variation in the calibre of ‘street art’.
Brick Lane vs Hexham.
(But you can’t deny it – this artist speaks the truth).
2. And cocktails for that matter…
‘Alcohol alchemy’ vs…um, a pint of skittles?
3. Divint even get us started on the bledy drinks prices like.
4. Or the feckin’ house prices.
London: mmmm, so roomy. And only £750,000! BARGAIN.
And for the same price in Newcastle: a castle.
5. Population of Newcastle: 289,935. Number of shoppers in Topshop on a Saturday: exactly the same.
6. Coats are in fact not the mythical entities we believed them to be.
“Listen pet, the only jacket a need is me beer jacket”
7. People in London actually tend to wear them in what might be considered sub-zero temperatures.
8. Temperatures which literally only happen up North.
9. Including during the months of July and August.
*Prompts a nostalgic reflection upon that gorgeous summer we had. Back when England won the World Cup. In 1966.*
10. That was a glorious 45 minutes.
11. Londoners drink Newcastle Brown Ale because they think it’s cool and trendy.
12. NO ONE in the North drinks Newcastle Brown Ale.
13. So the moustache is making a comeback?
15. We don’t have the patience for that – we care about two things: football and getting mortal. And we do one of these things well.
16. Distances travelled for a one night stand are significantly increased. (If you were to travel the same distance in Newcastle, you’d literally be having your hanky panky honky tonky in York. YORK.)
17. You make far less BFFs in club toilets.
18. Or public transport, for that matter.
19. Whereas in the Toon, even the drivers have your back.
20. Having good ‘craic’ in London means a very, VERY different thing.
21. “Nah I pied him because he had shit craic” is just not going to go down well.
23. Just don’t say it.
24. Unless you want to receive a flood of Talk To Frank cards.
25. And everyone thinks you’re Welsh.
26. Or drunk.
27. Which we probably are…no thanks to the feckin’ drinks prices.