21 Crazy Things Londoners Would Do With A Bottomless Bank Account

Georgie Jones Georgie Jones

21 Crazy Things Londoners Would Do With A Bottomless Bank Account

You know us, always complaining how expensive London is. House prices WAH! Drinks WAH! Life WAH! But what would we do if we could afford EVERYTHING?! What would we complain about? Would we suddenly become lonely, isolated and no longer able to contribute to the conversation of our London peers? Would we still get the tube? Would we miss the smell of other people sweaty musk on the commute home… never again able to feel that closeness?


1. Buy Borough Market in its entirety, only to close it to the public on Saturdays so you can have claim to fresh free tasters.



2. Delete Uber from your phone & hire a private chauffeur…


3. Get them to take you to Brighton, just because you fancy fish and chips by the sea.



4. Actually, fuck it, get a private jet to Barbados, because you want fresh fish by the sea.


5. Give no shits about ‘incomplete journeys’ on Oyster card – let ’em charge that maximum fare.


6. You’ll actually buy the entire Northern Line, rename it and make it ass-hole free.


7. And during peak times, one in three trains will be dedicated to your personal use.


8. Even though you’ll be using your driver.



9. You’ll hire Hamleys and throw sleepovers for any children you should have… or just yourself. (You can actually do this though)


10. OR you could just buy Hamleys to live in…



11. When you want to watch a movie, you buy all the tickets in the Everyman to ensure no one else can piss you off.
12. You’ll pay the Made In Chelsea producers to throw the cast in … and see how they deal with it.


13. Buy your household appliances from Kensington Palace
[Daily Mail]
14. Join the most expensive gym and hire the city’s most expensive personal trainer. And don’t show.



15. Or pay to clean and chlorinate the whole of the river thames so you can swim lengths.


16. Take a trip to Battersea Cats and Dogs Home to do this…


17. Buy all your mates, work colleagues, people you pass on the escalators, etc, memberships at Soho House, so eventually a night out there becomes as exclusive as a night at Infernos…


17. Drink ALL of the pricy Indonesian imported wild kopi luwak coffee – to make the hipsters cry.



18. Hire a member of staff to hand feed you one of everything from the Harrods food counters.


19. Hire a personal assistant to shield your eyes while in public, so you never need to make eye-contact with peasants.


20. Buy the land next to Buckingham Palace, build a modern all-metal-and-glass ‘living complex’ and pop round next door to borrow sugar from Queen Liz.



21. Quit your underpaid job and start help handing out Hello Fresh £40 gift cards outside tube stations for free…


Tags: funny, listicle, rich
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