Single bells *sob* single bells *sniff* single all *sob* the way…ok, perhaps we’re exaggerating a teeny bit, but all you loved up couples with your S.O’s and your ‘shared advent calendars’ just don’t get it. (Bleurgh – hello, why on earth would you want to share chocolate? Chocolate that you’re allowed to eat in the morning). It’s bad enough as it is without the Christmas rides that only go round in twos and copious amounts of mistletoe forcing you and the back of your hand to be aquatinted once again… We’d much rather a turbulent relationship with a human this Christmas, rather than the usual brief (*long*) love-affair with mince pies, hot chocolate, cake, stuffing….(slut). Actually, no we wouldn’t.
1. It gets to the end of November and you begin to think that perhaps you’ve escaped the usual ‘I hate my life, I’m single again at Christmas’ thoughts…
2. And then it hits you.
3. Like a tonne of snow.
4. Like a Boxing Day hangover.
5. The dread creeps in and if family events weren’t unbearable before, they certainly are now.
6. You consider downloading Tinder just for a temporary holiday S.O.
7. But you then remember Creepy Colin and decide against it. You’re not that desperate. Yet…
8. Eggnog becomes your best friend because it’s like drinking liquified alcoholic cake.
9. Winter Wonderland becomes your arch enemy. Its romantic lights and cosy fires can do one.
10. Your friends drag you out to a Christmas ice skating rink because it will be ‘fun as a group’…
11. Which you get escorted out of for making a B-Line towards kissy-poo lameos blocking your attempt at an ‘arabesque death-spiral’.
13. Your muscles begin to hurt from all the fake ‘I’m happy being alone at Christmas…it’s a choice’ faces.
14. At least 3 of your friends will get engaged over the Christmas period.
15. Making going on Instagram and Facebook a risky move for your emotional stability.
16. And making your status updates of how many mince pies down you are look slightly sad.
17. The other (scarce) single friends who are home for the holidays will become your new family and your drinking buddies.
18. It dawns on you that pretty much everything you see on TV is somehow about falling in love and it makes you want to throw the remote/turkey at the screen.
19. Which is why Scrooge is your hero.
20. The ‘Single Person Playlist’ is a very, very real thing.
21. Which heavily (*only*) features Wham!’s ‘Last Christmas’.