Single bells *sob* single bells *sniff* single all *sob* the way…ok, perhaps we’re exaggerating a teeny bit, but all you loved up couples with your S.O’s and your ‘shared advent calendars’ just don’t get it. (Bleurgh – hello, why on earth would you want to share chocolate? Chocolate that you’re allowed to eat in the morning). It’s bad enough as it is without the Christmas rides that only go round in twos and copious amounts of mistletoe forcing you and the back of your hand to be aquatinted once again… We’d much rather a turbulent relationship with a human this Christmas, rather than the usual brief (*long*) love-affair with mince pies, hot chocolate, cake, stuffing….(slut). Actually, no we wouldn’t.
1. It gets to the end of November and you begin to think that perhaps you’ve escaped the usual ‘I hate my life, I’m single again at Christmas’ thoughts…
2. And then it hits you.
3. Like a tonne of snow.
5. The dread creeps in and if family events weren’t unbearable before, they certainly are now.
6. You consider downloading Tinder just for a temporary holiday S.O.
8. Eggnog becomes your best friend because it’s like drinking liquified alcoholic cake.
9. Winter Wonderland becomes your arch enemy. Its romantic lights and cosy fires can do one.
11. Which you get escorted out of for making a B-Line towards kissy-poo lameos blocking your attempt at an ‘arabesque death-spiral’.
12. Whoopsie.
13. Your muscles begin to hurt from all the fake ‘I’m happy being alone at Christmas…it’s a choice’ faces.
15. Making going on Instagram and Facebook a risky move for your emotional stability.
17. The other (scarce) single friends who are home for the holidays will become your new family and your drinking buddies.
19. Which is why Scrooge is your hero.
20. The ‘Single Person Playlist’ is a very, very real thing.
21. Which heavily (*only*) features Wham!’s ‘Last Christmas’.