London, we love you but you’re bringing us down. (Sometimes).
1. The Northern line. Why is it called the Northern line when it goes south as well?
2. The Circle line. It’s not even a bloody circle. Who names these things?!
3. Making plans. London is a buzzing city with plenty to do, but you can never ever decide. Do you try out the new pop-up bar on Shoreditch High Street or try that Soho restaurant that you’ve been meaning to go to for weeks? You spend the entire week trying to decide but then it gets too late, and you’re far too tired now anyway, so you just end up in bed alone with Netflix. Again.
4. Escalator straddlers. Walkers to the left, standers to the right. A new R Kelly song, perhaps?
5. We now gawp at any large green space that we come across, like battery farm chicken being released.
6. The fact that we’ve been conditioned to think that slow walkers are annoying. Why shouldn’t people be allowed to take a leisurely stroll around the city? Nah, sod it, they’re a pain in the arse.
7. Street markets. You’ll pay restaurant prices — except there’s no luxury of a chair, cutlery, table service OR WINE.
8. Suitcases on the tube at rush hour.
9. Children on the tube. At any time of day.
10. Trying to find a job that actually pays you enough money so you can finally cut financial ties with mum and dad and become the independent human being that you thought London would turn you into.
11. When you just miss a tube, even though another one will be there in a minute.
12. When you just miss a Hammersmith and City line train, because then you really do have reason to be infuriated. Cue a 20 minute wait for the next one…
13. M&M World.
14. The magnetic powers of Pret at lunchtime.
15. Trying to navigate a busy street with an umbrella.
16. Soggy umbrellas on the tube.
17. Or forgetting said umbrella and getting caught in a torrential downpour.
18. Running for the tube in a shameful fashion, making it, but then sitting at the platform for 5 minutes while Tfl “regulate the service”.
20. When the person in front of you at the barrier is told to ‘seek assistance’ but they still proceed to try. 7 times. JUST TOP UP YOUR BLOODY OYSTER AND GET OUT OF MY WAY!
21. Anyone who describes the tube lines as “the red line” or “the green line”, etc.