Let’s face it, we’re all intolerable twats; signing up to extortionate fitness classes just for the Instagram of our post-workout smoothie, itching to recommend the best bloody mary-filled brunch to our friends and brag about what an effortlessly cultured weekend we had to our work colleagues. But whatever kind of London arsehole you are, at least we’re all London arseholes together.
1. You’ll be lucky to catch us looking up from our phones on the tube.
2. Even if we’re involved in a ‘riveting’ conversation with a work colleague, the phone wins our visual attention.
3. And if the precious phone dies, we’d rather stare at the tube map ahead for ages than have to make eye contact with the person opposite.
4. Although, we’re happy enough communicating with dogs or babies with ease.
5. We have the urge to take a picture of our food before actually tasting it to see if it’s good.
6. Because the fear of ‘if you didn’t Instagram it, it didn’t happen’ is actually a thing.
7. As is the ‘If your Fitbit didn’t track it, that 10km didn’t happen’ dilemma.
8. We complain about the price of London and then head to a crisp restaurant where medium-sized portions are £7. What happened to good ol’ Walkers, eh?
9. We think 3 minutes is a long wait.
10. But, at the same time, think it’s okay to wait 2 hours for a table at BAO or Mildreds.
11. We hate tourists, probably because they’re just having a good time and walk at a normal pace.
12. We’ll do whatever we can to huff and puff our way onto a jam-packed tube carriage.
13. And we’ll tut noisily when someone in front of us gets held at the tube barrier. It’s a whole 15 seconds of our lives down the garbage…
14. When we use the word ‘hipster’ in a derogatory sense, we fail to notice the turmeric latte in our own hands.
15. Like flies, we’re drawn to fleeting, time-limited things, like pop-ups, not because they bring value to our lives, but because we want to show off that we got there before everyone else.
16. We moan about our parents because they’d choose to go to Pizza Express over that cushion-seated, incence-burning, dimly-lit Moroccan place we wanted to take them to.
17. We moan about the people who go to Soho House… because our membership application has been ignored for months.
18. We complain about TfL on a daily basis, but then fail to notice it’s a pretty damn fantastic transportation system. Oh, and we wouldn’t even consider walking to work…
19. We complain about going beyond Zone 2, but then don’t flinch when we someone tells us they commute from Zone 2 to Zone 1 for 45 minutes every morning.
20. We do nothing but moan about our city, but deep down, we’re so bloody in love with it that we wouldn’t take anything else.