As a red-blooded northerner you probably never envisaged in a million years that you would wind up in the south, let alone in London, but due to a series of events and life choices you’ve made over the years, here you are.
If you’ve been here for a while now then you’ve probably already found your groove, got used to the £6 pints, reined in your use of northern slang words and pretty much learned to adapt. That’s great, but no matter how long you stay here there are those things about the big city that no northerner will ever be able to acclimatise to
1. Why is everyone sprinting for the tube?
There is one literally every two minutes and people are trampling each other to death to get the one that just pulled up even though it’s full to bursting point as it is.
Calm down, London.
2. Jellied eels
3. Really though, why?
4. How can you buy a portion of chips or a plate of pie and mash, look at it and then think to yourself “Ok, that’s complete and normal, and it definitely doesn’t need any gravy on it”?
Gravy goes on pie and mash. That’s just a universal law, like gravity, or the changing of the tides. Are you trying to disrupt the fundamental principles of the universe, London? Is that what you want?
5. What’s the obsession with Pret?
And don’t even get me started on Veggie Pret. If I had to illustrate the fundamental difference between London and the north to someone who had never been to either I’d just put a Veggie Pret menu and a Gregg’s menu side by side.
Get a pasty in you man, for the love of god!
6. Speaking of Gregg’s, where are they?
Sure, there’s the odd one dotted about here and there but we’re from a glorious place where a sausage and bean melt, hot enough to burn your face off, is never more than an arms reach away.
7. Why is it so difficult for Londoners to grasp where the north actually is?
It’s not just everywhere beyond Watford. To be honest, Nottingham is pretty much the cut-off point, and as someone from north Northumberland, it even pains me to accept that.
8. It’s a real struggle to get a decent cup of tea down here
It’s not difficult. Just leave that teabag longer than 5 seconds and you’re laughing.
9. Why has everyone just universally accepted that five quid is a reasonable price for a pint? Or worse still, five quid a bottle
We don’t care if it was brewed by monks in the foothills of the Bavarian Alps, if it’s more that £3.50 it’s a rip off.
10. Since when did the word ‘bath’ have an ‘R’ in it?
It’s not “Baarrrth”, it’s “Bath”. Notice the spelling. Perhaps you southerners should go and take a long hard look in the mirror before you go mocking our accents.
11. The public transport here is incredible though
Bus, tube, bike, train, take your pick. It all runs like clockwork too. It’s a big leap from the trams of Sheffield or the Metros of Newcastle.
12. But we’ll never get our heads around the etiquette of it all
Don’t go making eye contact on the tube, lest you be branded a freak, and heaven forbid you strike up a conversation with someone on the bus! It might be the norm up in the motherland but down here it’s quite the opposite.
13. Having said that, it still annoys us when people stand on the wrong side of the escalators
There’s a sign and everything. If us northerners are capable of adhering to this then so should everyone else be.
13. Londoner’s are always so over-prepared for everything
Big coats come out of hibernation in early October. Umbrellas are everywhere. We’ve even seen people walking round Hampstead Heath with walking poles and waterproof trousers.
Most Geordies don’t even know what a coat is.
14. Why does this, in London…
15. Cost more than this, up north?
Ok, that may be a slight exaggeration but you know what we mean.
That’s the magnificent Alnwick Castle, in case you were wondering.
16. There is something special about the place though
Aside from all the expensive drinks, astronomical rent prices, puzzling eel-related cuisine and traffic, London is a pretty special place.
17. But sooner or later the smell of home-cooked pies and proper cups of tea will pull us back up there like a tractor beam
Featured image credit: Wiki Commons