Living in London can be tough – one long and painful ‘Bushtucker trial’, if you will. At times we long for someone to fly a helicopter over and crane-lift us the hell outta here. These, my fellow Londoners, are those times…
1. When there’s no food in camp (your fridge), because you’re 4 days from pay day and are living off back-up tinned beans. For the sake of worst-case-scenario, they also went off in 2014.
2. You’ve realise you’ve wasted all your money at Spitalfields/Camden/Borough Market in your lunch break and are now starving yourself this week.
3. It’s probably for the best though. Last week you had some dodgy chicken in Camden and it felt like you were tackling a Bushtucker task just to get it down.
4. When the Northern Line is rammed with unwanted carriage companions.
5. And you’re constantly battling London’s wildlife.
6. Or tourists…
7. The journey down Oxford Street is a whole Bushtucker trial in itself.
8. You realise you’ll never actually be Queen (or King) of the jungle.
9. But, you can actually eat testicles in London. At a Turkish restaurant aptly named Testi.
10. As a Londoner, you have one ‘luxury item’ and that is your monthly Oyster card. That thing is precious.
11. When you lose said luxury item… at the beginning of the month… and it’s not registered.
12. Much like the celebs, you don’t really have time to shave. Between working, watching every new Netflix series and avoiding the gym, that is.
13. Unlike the ‘celebs’, we don’t have Medic Bob standing by to help us with our injuries. We just have a 3-hour long queue at the GP surgery.
14. Sometimes, when you supposedly live in a ’24 hour city’ but you can’t get the food you want when you get the munchies at 4am, it’s hard to not think the world isn’t against you.
15. And then you try the latest hipser-foodie-craze & realise it’s just turd-flavoured hemp.
16. When you realise that your flat costs nearly all your month’s salary in rent, only has enough room for a hammock and, on top of that, you have to share with a bunch of crazy strangers who are all in the same hideous boat as yourself.
17. Another bushtucker trial: walking through Bank station.
But stay strong Londoners – there’s hope yet…
You might. But probably won’t