There are some things that non-Londoners will just never understand.
Like the feeling of tremendous triumph you get when you just about manage to slide through the tube doors before they close, Indiana Jones style, or the categorical wrongness of standing on the left…
1. Living in constant fear of the pigeon apocalypse.
2. Getting stuck behind slow walking tourists everywhere. And hating yourself/feeling important when you get annoyed about it.
3. Coming out of the least convenient exit at lesser-known tube stations and it being really, really upsetting.
4. Especially if you’re at Elephant and Castle or Piccadilly Circus and quite literally have to cross Middle-earth to get to the right place.
5. Not being able to just ‘pop home’ for lunch – getting there alone takes twice the amount of time as your assigned lunch break allows.
6. Having to establish a very particular walking style for when you change at Bank.
7. Not knowing whether that lady standing up on the tube is pregnant or not.
8. “Is she? Isn’t she? Is she? Isn’t she? I JUST CAN’T TELL. Could be a very impressive food baby… or a real one. Oh god.”
9. Giving up your seat… and it turning out she’s not.
10. Falling asleep on the night tube and waking up in the middle of f*cking nowhere.
11. Or worse, back where you started.
12. Having a false sense of security that London is so big that you’ll never bump into that ex/ex boss/ex friend/ex roommate…
13. And doing so at the worst possible time.
14. Viewing flats that look like former prisons (if you’re lucky) and having to hand over all of your money and possessions in order to afford the rent.
15. Living in an empty room for £1000/month because you sold all your possessions to get it.
16. Constantly complaining about London but obviously never leaving because, well, it’s London.